Speaker 5 0:07

This is Unplugged and Turned On, where we drop the masks, challenge the rules, and explore what connection, desire, and relationships really look like beneath the surface. This is an adult podcast and is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. So if you're under 18, go find something else to listen to.

Speaker 2 0:31

I'm Neo. And I'm Trinity. And together we're getting into the real stuff: attraction, intimacy, communication, and the moments that actually create chemistry.

Speaker 5 0:42

No scripts, no pretending. Just honest conversations about what turns us on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Speaker 2 0:54

So go ahead. Unplug a little. And let's turn something on.

Speaker 1 1:02

Okay, welcome back. I'm Neo.

Speaker 2 1:05

And I'm Trinity. Oh my gosh, I love that sexy voice of yours.

Speaker 1 1:10

I get so distracted. Alright. This is episode seven. Can you believe it?

Speaker 5 1:18

I can. Are you asking me?

Speaker 1 1:22

Maybe kind of sorta. Yeah.

Speaker 5 1:24

Sure, why not? Sounds good.

Speaker 1 1:26

Alright. So episode seven, I think.

Speaker 5 1:30

What are we talking about today?

Speaker 1 1:31

Yeah, I think in this one. We are going to talk about do something a little bit different this time. We're going to talk about a recent poll that I put out on Reddit. Because it's something that I've been very curious about. Oh, you're you're curious about it. I am. You hear kind of this theme.

Speaker 5 1:54

You should have just asked me, I would have given you the answer.

Speaker 1 1:57

Of course. Like, why would I think anything different, right? I would have told you. That's been like the theme of our I would have told you what's up. That's been the theme of our marriage, right? No, why don't you just ask me and I would have told you, right?

Speaker 5 2:09

But I do value like the opinions of others. So what you got?

Speaker 1 2:13

So what I was curious about, because I it seemed to be a theme for me, and even as we've listened to as many podcasts as we have, it seems to be a theme there. My question is all about this notion that guys in the lifestyle seem to do a lot of the profiles and running of the profiles on all of the sites, like Cassidy, SLS, SDC, all of that stuff. Like mainly it's the guys doing the communicating, the reaching out, all of that. So I was curious, okay, you know, reaching out to the community and saying, hey, what is your perception of that? And what do you think? So I put a poll out there and I said, Why do you think guys usually run profiles? Um, and I like I said, I'm sure there's a lot of reasons out there, but I am generally curious. Part of me wonders if some of it could be that women in the relationship give the lifestyle less priority, uh, which could be the case for some, or it could be way off base. What's your experience?

Speaker 5 3:19

And that's like they aren't as interested.

Speaker 1 3:24

They're not as okay. They're not as interested. The guys are more interested, and therefore they manage profiles and all of that stuff and reach out, do all the communication. Okay. So options on the poll were uh guys are more used to initiating. Women get overwhelmed with messages. Couples just fall into these roles. Women are less interested overall. Or not true in my experience, basically other, right? So the majority responded to women get overwhelmed with messages.

Speaker 5 4:00

Oh my god, I gotta tell you right now, I freaking hate that the way that is worded. Women are overwhelmed. That immediately tells me women are hysterical. I hate that uh option, by the way. I hate it. I hate the way it's worded. Just for the record.

unknown 4:17

Just for the record.

Speaker 1 4:18

Okay, we're just for the record. Let me get through this part, and then we'll definitely get into the conversation.

Speaker 4 4:25

You don't like that wording.

Speaker 1 4:27

Okay, so that was the most voted on option with. I'm trying to do all this math in my head, but basically 125 people said that that was the reason. Next.

Speaker 5 4:41

Okay, I don't I'm curious about this.

Speaker 1 4:43

Let me get through this real quick and then we'll come back.

Speaker 5 4:45

I'm gonna just totally tear this shit apart. You you do you, babe.

Speaker 1 4:49

I'm already starting to get scared.

Speaker 5 4:51

I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 4:52

I'm just trying to give the background of this thing. All right, good. I'm gonna tear it apart. Next, with 72 votes, guys are more used to initiating. That's 77 votes. Next, uh third runner up, uh, close with 74 votes was women are less interested overall. Okay. Uh next was couples just fall into these roles with 62 votes. And not true in my experience, had 45. So overwhelmingly was women was women get overwhelmed with messages or messaging. Okay. And then followed closely by guys are more used to initiating, and women are more less in are less interested overall. Couples just fall into these roles, and then at the very bottom is not true in my experience. Okay.

Speaker 5 5:44

So I'm I'm curious, do you have the data on who actually took the poll?

Speaker 1 5:52

Okay, let me get through some of this first.

Speaker 4 5:54

So I'm not saying who answered this.

Speaker 1 5:57

I'm gonna talk to uh Trinity and the rest of the audience of one, which is first off. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to tag you. This wasn't a scientific study. We did not have blind testing and all of these results. If here's here's the thing, right? Okay, which is funny. Okay.

Speaker 4 6:21

I'm trying to hold back. The tigers come out.

Speaker 1 6:24

Let me tell you like my my woman is major feminist. Love her, absolutely. I'm with her too. I am all about equality. I just think this is funny because I asked a question about like profiles and social stuff. Good. Yes, good question. Okay, on a social website. So who was responding?

Speaker 2 6:46

I don't fucking know. It could based on the website. I think that could have been a question. Well, hold on. How do you identify?

Speaker 1 6:52

Based on the assumption that, and again, assumption, we all heard that in our era. Make an assumption you're making an ass out of you and me. Okay. Okay. But if you if you look at it, like if guys are the ones managing the profiles on social sites, they're probably answering the question on Reddit. It could very well be the guy's answering.

Speaker 5 7:14

But that's the assumption that women are, and we've already, yeah. That's right.

Speaker 1 7:19

I don't know about that.

Speaker 5 7:19

We'll know if women really are in our relationship. You are absolutely managing our profile.

Speaker 1 7:24

But I want to highlight this for uh my beautiful wife, Trinity. Thank you. And for the crowd again. This was not a scientific study.

Speaker 4 7:32

Okay, okay. I'll try to keep that in mind. Small because I'm like, my I'm already like on fire over here.

Speaker 1 7:39

This was a very small sampling size. I had the poll open for a few days. Okay. But the results still paint, I think, a fairly consistent picture of what I've personally observed and have heard through the various podcasts that we've mentioned.

Speaker 5 7:57

Women are less interested or something.

Speaker 1 8:00

The highest was really like women get overwhelmed with just the whole messaging. Like and, you know, I'll get into more of the results, I think, and summations of that as we go forward. But you know, when you think about it, lovely Trinity. Okay, me personally. Okay, yes, think about that. Like when you talk to me about things like Facebook and even texting and all of the stuff with messaging, even in Telegram, that's you hate that.

Speaker 5 8:33

I I fucking hate that. I loathe it. That's right. I loathe it. Like, who's got time for that bullshit? Right. Like, I have real stuff to manage, and I don't have the luxury to like dilly-dally in like fantasy land. Right. So was but that's that's me. Right. But and I'm I'm a cynic. Um, and a realist. I'm a realist.

Speaker 1 8:57

And uh, if somebody says I need to do that, I am not going to do that.

Speaker 5 9:03

I'm not.

Speaker 1 9:04

I'm a fight for power, but I'm a rebel and like I'm not gonna do that.

Speaker 5 9:08

But even if I was interested, I would lose interest really quickly because of the amount of energy and effort without any real gains.

Speaker 9:18

Yeah.

Speaker 5 9:19

I get that it's waste of time. It's utility to me. It's futile. It's like I am an in-person person.

Speaker 1 9:27

Yeah. But I think so the the results overall still paint an interesting picture of at least how people perceive.

Speaker 5 9:38

I love how you stressed that. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 9:40

Because it's observations, right?

Speaker 2 9:43

Yeah.

Speaker 1 9:44

So the majority, again, leaned toward men handling the profiles more often. For me, that's what I've seen. Yeah. There have been some two occasions that I know of of women responding in things like Cassidy. But for the most part. Oh, for our personal experience. Absolutely. Yeah. But for the most part, it is the guys. Like, hey, interested. Yeah, okay, whatever. But it's mostly the guys talking. That's what I've seen. Um, but there at least in a poll, there was a strong minority pushing back saying that's not my experience, which absolutely right, because there are. I don't know.

Speaker 5 10:27

Oh, my bad. I thought I didn't do the percentages. I thought you mentioned it.

Speaker 1 10:31

I can get a calculator.

Speaker 5 10:32

I thought you I thought you mentioned it. Okay.

Speaker 1 10:35

Just the number wise. Um, and women run things more than people think, which, you know, certainly can be the case. I think it depends on like behind the scenes, like no, like some women actually, right? Like some women in the comments were like, no, I absolutely run all of it for me. Okay. Right? And some of that's very interesting. Like for me, I know I run it uh for us. And I bring you in, like, hey, if it moves beyond some initial kind of thing, it's like, hey, what do you think?

Speaker 11:06

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 11:07

Um, because for you, it's like you you could care less. Like you love meeting people in person. And for me, I'm like, well, you're not gonna meet them in person unless you unless how do we get to that point?

Speaker 5 11:16

Exactly. You can't get to like point B if we don't do point A.

Speaker 1 11:20

Like, hey, let's be best friends because we chatted, but no, but you've got to get to a point where let's go sit down somewhere and see if we actually like each other. Yeah, absolutely. I agree. But there's a so the translation of this first part is that there's a perception gap between what people think is happening and what's actually happening.

Speaker 2 11:37

Oh, but I think it's all about perception, right?

Speaker 1 11:40

And and sometimes it's not very clear on who is communicating when you're like initially chatting with people.

Speaker 5 11:49

Oh, okay. So your experience you're not sure who you're talking to.

Speaker 1 11:53

You never really know. Although I have read, like, oh, you know, uh uh women and men communicate differently in messaging.

Speaker 5 12:02

So when you I don't know what the hell that means because I don't know with your experience in communication, is the other the other side not saying, Hey, this is Bob here, Bob here generally not like Diane really is interested.

Speaker 1 12:18

Generally not, because like you message back and forth and you're like, hey, interested, love to meet you up. Okay, so it's kind of Joe and Jane. Okay, right. Neo and Trinity. No, that's good. For me, like I will respond back and say Neo, and then in parentheses I'll put and Trinity, right? Okay, so some distance, it's me talking. It's an emphasis on you, right? Okay, right. Yeah, so you just never know. Okay, so okay, so some of the key themes from this, right? The first one is a division of labor, it's not really dominance. So a lot of couples kind of said it's less about control and more about logistics, right? So the one who runs the account is usually the one who plans other things too. Like, hey, the person that's like, hey, we're gonna go about that. Let me finish. Let me just I get that. Let me finish that and then we'll talk. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 13:13

I just can't help my.

Speaker 1 13:15

I'm not saying that, hold on. I just can't help myself. I'm not saying I agree with these.

Speaker 4 13:19

I'm like, oh my god.

Speaker 1 13:20

I'm not saying I agree with these, but so plans other things too. So let's say the person that's running the accounts is also the person that is planning the vacations, like all of the details for the vacations. Or for us that's true. For us is going out to dinner. I'm gonna who's figuring out where we're going, what time we're gonna get there. For us, that's all of that kind of stuff. Absolutely true. So one partner enjoys the searching and the vetting, the other enjoys the in-person connection. Okay. So the takeaway from that is that that you know, it often, this dynamic often uh mirrors real life relationship roles and not necessarily power dynamics, where your strengths are versus the other person. So the person that likes engaging, likes doing that thing, likes planning, likes doing this, likes doing that, is probably the one that's doing the profile manager. Okay.

Speaker 2 14:13

Can I yeah, absolutely?

Speaker 5 14:15

That's the end of that. Go ahead. So this is where I'm like, okay, division of I'm gonna go scroll all the way back to division of labor. Yeah. Yeah, because if like um she is doing traditional gender roles, if okay, that's I'm highlighting that. Really? I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that.

Speaker 14:35

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 14:36

Oh, is that later? Oh, there's some gender and stuff in this.

Speaker 5 14:39

Like if like she's bogged, and I'm gonna say bogged down with laundry and child rearing and taking care of the pets and appointments for everybody and making dinner and what's going on. Who has the time to like the luxury to do this?

Speaker 1 14:59

Absolutely. But this one I would say we're gonna get we are absolutely gonna get into the gender stuff. Okay. This one has more to do with who's normally doing what in a relationship. So not following gender rules, but I think this has more to do with who's who's assigned what in the relationship. Yeah, but following kind of your strengths, what you like to do versus what the other person likes to do.

Speaker 5 15:23

I love that piece because I think that we fall into that because I'm like, I will be a shut-in. You're if it was my turn, if it was up to me, I would have uh my bread and peanut butter and jelly delivered to my door, and I would never leave.

Speaker 1 15:39

But it's also like happy for us. Like if we go on vacation, yes, I'm planning all of that.

Speaker 5 15:46

You're planning it, and you're like, I would love to go. And you're running it by me, and I'm like thumbs up, thumbs down, sideways.

Speaker 1 15:53

But I'm doing the planning, like because I like doing that.

Speaker 5 15:56

That's kind of I get a lot of enjoyment out of our strengths, and you know, for me, that you're gonna get what you're gonna get, and you don't throw a fit.

Speaker 1 16:06

We're parents too.

Speaker 4 16:08

You don't want that kind of you don't want that vacation.

Speaker 1 16:10

So I think like we lean towards this one. This is more about following the strengths of the other. I love it. I love it. So you so you are uh you are like we'll come back to our last episode of like um uh San Antonio or even house parties, whatever it is, like all the events we've been to, your strengths are the in-person thing. Like you'll go up and like chat people up and say, hey, like you know, how are you guys doing? Whatever that is. For me, my strengths are not that. Like, my strengths are I will find who we may be interested online. I will plan our vacation, running it by you, of course. I will like think about, hey, let's go out to dinner tonight. Here's five things that we have to do. Absolutely the planner, right? So I like thinking about those things, yeah. Right. So this kind of fits with us, I think. Yeah, I think so too. This isn't the gender norm one, and we'll get to that. Okay, well, I just we'll get to that. This okay, so the next one is, and this is the next theme women are burned out on the inbox. So this came up a lot. I get tired of unsolicited picks, flakes, and bad messages. Another theme is women get flooded, flooded with attention. And I think that's right, because I think even as you look in the profiles, like most couples' profiles online, the first thing you see is like a woman's bust. Uh, it's all about women's pictures with a random single image of the guy thrown. Absolutely. It's like marketing. Right. And then much of the a lot of the messaging when it comes to like dealing with women, most of the messaging from like guys, it seems to be, at least from what the the group was saying, it's much of it's it's low quality and aggressive stuff, right?

Speaker 5 17:56

Yeah, and I think it's always in that imbalance with that, you know, interest versus yeah, it even in um just sort of normal, normal dating. Right. Of like the overwhelm. Which yeah, attention, interest. Right. Yeah. It's like this is just stupid.

Speaker 1 18:17

Like, why am I doing this?

Speaker 5 18:18

This is real life, yeah.

Speaker 1 18:19

Yeah, can yeah. So so the the theme from that one really was that sometimes men run profiles because women simply don't want to deal with chaos, which you know. I look at you and it's like that fits too.

Speaker 5 18:30

Like I don't want to deal with that nonsense. I uh chaos is a zero percent sum.

Speaker 1 18:35

Yep, zero. Which I think kind of fits into the next theme. Okay, hit me. What we men as gatekeepers or the filters, and I think this also fits.

Speaker 5 18:45

I like it.

Speaker 1 18:46

Right. The male deal with the shit, so I don't have to so the male parser handles screening for fake profiles, uh filtering out weird or unsafe interactions.

Speaker 5 18:57

Which I really appreciate, by the way.

Speaker 1 18:59

Thank you. I do that. Just won't be able to do that. There's so much random shit. Like, especially like when you're when you list your profile for us as like, you know, we like couples, we're interested in single males. Like, then all of a sudden the single males come out of the works and they're like, Hey, I live halfway around the world. I'm gonna be in your town for a day. Here's my dick. Uh no. So so men do this because they filter out weird, unsafe interactions. They say more, they say no more directly, like, uh, no, thanks, be on your way. Men may be more comfortable with confrontation or shutting things down. Okay. May not be true, but it's certainly easier to do that in a chat profile experience, anyways.

Speaker 5 19:43

Yeah, I I agree with that just because of uh the programming that um at least American women uh are socialized with. Yeah.

Speaker 1 19:51

So here's the question around that one that I think would be good for you to think about and answer. We got is is that protection? Yeah, control, or just practicality? What is that?

Speaker 5 20:06

Um, I want to pick the fourth option. Uh bottom. All of the above is that is like I'm so fucking lazy, I don't want to do it, so great, do it for me. Um no, just to be real, like I could see myself being worn down because it's taking things personally by like getting messages and messages and just taking it personally. I can see that and it's like, uh I have no problem saying like no, especially online, like or just ignoring. I don't I don't want to, it depends on on the situation, but I feel like there's a wearing down being worn down, it's just like draining and that's why like no, I want to pr preserve um my energy for other things that are are more meaningful. Yeah, so if you're willing or the partner is willing to gatekeep, yeah, please. Yeah, um, I only have so much effort, energy, resources, whatever you want to call it, to give. I don't want to spend it like ruminating on some person I've never met and I don't like or don't care about um based on some message or a pick. Yeah. Like, oh gosh, why would they send me that? Like I would I I personally, for me, and even though I do consider myself a feminism feminist for feminism for for women, not against men, but for women, um like Yeah, I will take all the help I can get.

Speaker 1 21:54

Right.

Speaker 5 21:55

Thank you.

Speaker 1 21:59

The next Is one you hit on earlier. We'll talk about that. But I think we can't, I think we'll I'll talk more about that at least. Okay, but I won't I definitely want your perspective. Okay. But let's be honest, some of this is absolutely cultural carryover.

Speaker 5 22:16

Yeah, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 22:17

Men initiate, women respond. Okay. Same pattern, different context. Like, okay, men are the chasers. And it's showing up sometimes in the online aspect of this too. Yeah.

Speaker 5 22:36

I and I think like I it makes me think of this, um, and I'm making this up. I don't know if I've ever heard this, but um more men and I don't know. I feel I don't have data to support this, but men are more sexually motivated. I don't and I don't not it's not all and no women, it's never an all or nothing. Um but I f I I kind of feel like that might play into play a part of like, yeah, I could I could have sex. I'll do what it let me see, let me go see.

Speaker 1 23:14

Right. Physically all of that, yes. But I you know, I think like both of us I can speak for both of us because I I I know us, like Oh, I'll definitely speak up if that's not we all realize that there are some traditional and even some physiological traits that go along with male female, and there are certainly huge deviances, differences around that. There is no one size fits all, but there are some traditional norms that we just kind of assume or know or see. Right. So, like men are more visually stimulated. It doesn't mean there are zero women that that aren't visually stimulated, like we're seeing. I know people that are, and I'm like, fantastic, right? And some of that I think is back to like the book you're reading right now of like uh good girl deprogramming. And like, okay, so men have always been okay. I will use these terms always, not always, and not all men, but men have always been more um generally, generally like physically attracted to things. It's all looks very visual. Um, and but that's also been a space where men have been taught and programmed that's okay for you because you're a man, and women on the other side of that is like that's not okay for you. You're a woman, right? And that's a programming thing. So your mind's blocked down saying, I can't even think about that, so I don't even know what I think about that.

Speaker 5 24:54

Right. Like, is that really a thing or is that just our programming?

Speaker 1 24:57

Right. And nobody's saying that that's okay. That's just recognizing that that's been a thing in our society for quite a while. I love it that women can look at things now and be more open and be like, yes, I'm physically attracted to that. Yeah, we love that. I love I love that too. Like, we need to level this out. Like, we the none of us should have any more permission than the other just based off of our gender. But thanks for saying that. Yeah, but this just highlights that gender norms still show up a bit.

Speaker 5 25:26

They do in in in inconspicuous or sneaky ways.

Speaker 1 25:30

Right. And even in our own relationships, and we don't recognize it because we're just assuming that that's how things are done. That's automatic. We've never thought of it any different.

unknown 25:41

Yeah.

Speaker 1 25:42

So someone, but some women say that they do prefer to run the accounts. Others say that they will bosses right there. Right. Others say that they will ignore profiles run only by men. Which is interesting. They will ignore profiles run only by a couple, yeah, and the only person that ever responds is the man. So it's just shut it down.

Speaker 5 26:10

Uh, a woman talking to a man, they'll just be like, nope.

Speaker 1 26:13

Right. Over like if all you ever get is a man. Because, you know, there are certainly a lot of profiles out there that say they're a couple, but one, they're not a couple, or two, it's the man who's basically cheating on his wife misrepresenting himself.

Speaker 5 26:29

I I get that piece, but that's tricky when I think about us because you know, I'm on the couch watching some TV show and you're managing the account. Like, I'm I'm interested, I'm curious, but it's low level.

Speaker 1 26:45

I but I would also say, like, for us, very initial conversations that I'm having is more about do we think there's enough interest between us and other couple to get together. Yeah. And then if we are going to move it up to meeting or something, we'll we'll go meet. Right. And I get involved. And you get involved. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 5 27:08

Um, be also because I want I want to be involved and like, hey, let me let me talk to these people. Right. Yes. By then it's like, hey, you've already done the filtering, the gatekeeping.

unknown 27:19

Right.

Speaker 5 27:20

And now, hey, gatekeeping. Communicated with you.

Speaker 1 27:22

Yeah, and communicate with you about that. But yes, absolutely. Yeah. Right.

Speaker 5 27:26

But I I'll that's an interesting um uh response right there.

Speaker 1 27:32

It is. And and the question around that is are we recreating traditional roles in a supposedly more open space? And I don't know that there's an easy answer for that. Because I think it's back to kind of what I said a little bit earlier is we tend to go and act based on how we've always done things, and that's based on our societal programming. So it's like may we may certainly be reinforcing some of that, even in this different space, but that's because we haven't thought any different.

Speaker 5 28:09

Right. It's just I don't think the lifestyle is really and we're I hear this a lot, so open-minded. It's really just a microcosm of what's happening in society at the time. It's just like a little tiny snippet.

Speaker 1 28:23

I think it's well, right. But when we say like, hey, the lifestyle is more open-minded. Okay, so we've opened our aperture a little bit more.

Speaker 5 28:32

Sure. It's it's more.

Speaker 1 28:33

We've included where we can talk about sex. It's more around yes. But it doesn't mean we're it's not any full blown open. Right. It doesn't mean we're any I will say it, right? Like it may piss people off, I get it, but it doesn't mean that people are any less judgmental. No. It just means that we've included an additional topic. Yeah, we can talk about say it's okay to talk about.

Speaker 5 28:57

Yeah.

Speaker 1 28:57

Right.

Speaker 5 28:57

Like interesting. There's some things that pop into my head, I'm like, uh, for another time. Right. Um, but I'm like, no, I don't think that would be. I don't think that would be allowed.

Speaker 1 29:09

Right. So I think are we recreating traditional dating roles? I don't think we're recreating them. I think we're just going with what has always how we've always done things. It's certainly different when you are now a couple dating, because you know.

Speaker 5 29:25

Yeah. I think some things, as far as like my understanding, just kind of learning um are slowly changing just because society is changing. When society changes, there is this like, yeah, and the lifestyle sort changes too. Like it's connected, it's not this disconnected, separate thing, it's just not in a vacuum.

Speaker 29:47

Right. Yeah.

Speaker 5 29:48

Um, and immediately I think of bisexuality for men.

Speaker 1 29:53

Oh man.

Speaker 5 29:53

Specifically for men. Right. But I'm just saying, like that in itself, like, okay, because in society that has opened up for lots of people. Yeah. Um, so in lifestyle, it is now starting to squeak.

Speaker 1 30:08

Now we can also talk about that same thing. Yeah. Right. Okay. And then really the last thing is other, or it depends, reality, right? I love other. Which I know. The angle is other.

Speaker 4 30:23

I know you're not surprised. Right. It's like, what is it?

Speaker 1 30:26

Uh, don't put don't put baby in the corner.

Speaker 5 30:29

Baby in a corner. Damn.

Speaker 1 30:32

So so again, not everyone agreed with the premise at all of guys manage the profile. How many people said other?

Speaker 5 30:37

Or um I love the number. I want to hear it.

Speaker 1 30:40

I want to shout those people out. Yeah, but it was very low. It was okay. You deserved it. It was 45. It was the lowest response. Okay, that's 40. That's okay. Again, not scientific. We have no idea who male, female are answering the questions, but it was the lowest response. Okay, other. So not everyone agreed with it. Some couples said the women run everything, and that was absolutely in there. Okay. Others said it's shared. Others said it depends on time, personality, and comfort level. And I think ultimately what the poll showed was certainly while they were opinions on one on things being more than norm than the other, there really is no universal rule here. It really just depends. There are some patterns out there. It just depends on the couple.

Speaker 5 31:28

A couple of those uh responses kind of speak to that. It depends on personality.

Speaker 1 31:34

Time availability.

Speaker 5 31:37

I never really hard time with that statement. I hear it all the time, and I feel like it's just repeated. Okay, but we won't get into that. Separate that from the other ones of like it depends, and it depends on the couple, and it depends on the time.

Speaker 31:57

Yeah. It depends, period. It right. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 32:02

Like it goes back to the like situational thing is situational. Right. Absolutely.

Speaker 5 32:10

Like if you're you're in traction in the hospital, okay, I'm gonna take over. Right. Probably not. Probably not gonna take over. But just pretend. Let's pretend I will.

Speaker 32:20

No, you won't.

Speaker 5 32:21

I won't. It's gonna lapse. Um crickets, but um, because more important things are gonna be happening. But the women run everything. My eyes are rolling back into my head.

Speaker 1 32:35

It's different from this. This is like all about the profiles, but yes, there's a stigma around women run everything in the lifestyle. I we I think that's a totally different episode. Yeah. Because you and I could talk about that for a long time.

Speaker 5 32:50

Absolutely. It's that's worth talking about.

Speaker 1 32:52

Yeah. So is is running the profile about who wants it more or who can tolerate it more? Who wants engagements more? How about like who can tolerate all the back and forth? Probably both messaging.

Speaker 5 33:11

Probably both. Like who's most interested in who's interested? Because if I'm like interested, I'll do it. But if I'm disinterested, no okay.

Speaker 1 33:25

So can we talk about that with our own like stuff, right?

Speaker 5 33:29

Like who runs you you absolutely you do, and I give you so much credit for it. Like, yeah, yeah, you totally do. But why would you say that is you do way more lately, and I realized like, holy cow, since this new year, I don't even know if I've even logged in to anything.

Speaker 1 33:47

Which surpr which surprised me, I think, when you said that.

Speaker 5 33:50

Because and also there's a level of trust.

Speaker 1 33:53

Yeah.

Speaker 5 33:53

I think we I just kind of like, hey, you're already a kind of a primary, you're kind of leaded anyway. I just kind of I don't know, lurk and just kind of check. Because really what I'm doing is checking, double checking, like, hey, is is everything on the up and up? Everything on the up and up. I'm not really looking at I'm not looking for people or searching or contacting. I'm just reading messages and making sure I'm in the loop.

Speaker 3 34:22

Right.

Speaker 5 34:23

Uh sort of yeah.

Speaker 4 34:26

I honestly just like I don't know. It's just that is just what it is. And I have not done that lately because you're doing a great job.

Speaker 1 34:40

Right. But you haven't answered really. Like, oh, what's the question? But there's a difference between like, okay, and this is I think this was the crux of the reasoning for the question on Reddit, okay, is the why.

Speaker 5 34:57

And it's not about Yeah, it my why and your why are not exactly the same.

Speaker 1 35:04

Well, it's the but I want to talk, not not the why for the lifestyle. Oh, the why for why does it seem like the man is the one doing the profile?

Speaker 5 35:17

I'll give an answer to that. What I think the answer is. For us, yeah, specifically. You are like way more attached to social media and checking, and you're you're in, you've got ones and zeros just flowing through your bloodstream. I am very much analog, like, I don't even know where my phone is sometimes. Like, hey, where did I leave that sucker? Um, and I'm hap super happy with it's buried somewhere else, and I don't buried somewhere and I don't know where it is. Yeah. Yeah. Just because of one of our person who we are, what we do, who we are. Um, I guess personality to to speak to that um the other um comment there. Uh our strengths, our weaknesses, it is not a strength of mine. Sure. I have in the past wanted to be more interested in I would love to be an influencer. Oh my gosh, I would be starving and like like living with my children. Yeah, if that were the case.

Speaker 1 36:27

But so here's an interesting question. No, you're you're going so too well, I think so, because I think there's more to this. Like, I think these two kind of go together. So here are these two questions. Does the person messaging shape the tone of the connection? And are couples missing better matches because the wrong partner is doing the outreach?

Speaker 5 36:56

Okay. So to answer the first question, yes. The person responding or reaching out is absolutely shaping. Yes, it's initial contact. The second one, I hate that question. Um it's just they can't word in like word it however you want.

Speaker 4 37:13

Um read it again.

Speaker 1 37:15

Are couples missing better matches because the wrong person is doing the outreach? And wrong may be a bad word, but I think it's all about, I think it's back to the question before, which is does the person messaging shape the tone of the connection? Yeah. So it's the wrong So if you send the wrong message to somebody, you miss out because of that?

Speaker 5 37:37

Yeah, I think there's like um the word better is in there too. I don't know if there's better and wrong and whatever. Um, I think there are opportunities, whether uh uh a female is reaching out versus a male or the right wording. You can get caught up in all these like little sp tiny little details and nuances. Um, yeah, something will probably get missed. Um, opportunities might fly right by. Um, but you do your best with whoever's communicating.

Speaker 1 38:12

Like everyday life.

Speaker 5 38:13

Yeah, like right. Like there's no perfect way to capture everybody.

Speaker 1 38:19

Well, and it's also like, hey, how you communicate on any given day is gonna be different based on what you've experienced that day, anyways.

Speaker 5 38:28

Yeah, and I gotta just be honest. Like, I am a female. You do not want me communicating with people because just because not because I'm a female, because I don't like texting and communicating.

Speaker 1 38:41

I'm like nothing, but I think you just I'm not great. I think on that you do a disservice to yourself just to say, like you don't want me because I'm uh because I'm a female.

Speaker 5 38:52

I'm in person.

Speaker 1 38:53

Right. You it's not because you're female. That's what I said.

Speaker 5 38:56

It's because your personality is not because I'm a female. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 39:00

Okay, right.

Speaker 5 39:01

It's not because I'm a female. No, it has no nothing to do with sex or gender. Right. It's because like I think it's am going to actually probably elicit less.

Speaker 1 39:14

You're gonna show disinterest because of your.

Speaker 5 39:16

I were in charge of our profile. It would be cobwebs or crickets.

Speaker 1 39:22

We would do nothing.

Speaker 5 39:23

Right. Yeah. I get it.

Speaker 1 39:24

And I think what you highlight isn't gender role stuff, it's leveraging strengths and weaknesses within a relationship.

Speaker 39:34

For us. Yeah. For us.

Speaker 1 39:36

But I think that's what I think the biggest takeaway from this was was was that. Yeah, absolutely. It's like women get overwhelmed with messaging. I don't know that that's a thing, personally. And I think that sometimes gets back to like who's responding. Not scientific. But I don't like to put it, I personally don't like to put it back to like gender roles. I think it's back to one, who is more interested in lifestyle activities. Yeah. That's part of it. The other part is who is more who is more of a texter, uh, who is more of a social media person, who has more time to spend online, who is going to get less exhausted with that kind of stuff. And I think that can be male or female. I think again, like I am a firm believer, and this doesn't fit obviously every circumstance, but I'm a firm believer. And like each of us, when we form relationships, brings strengths and weaknesses. Yeah. And that forms a great bond. I agree. And we have to lean on the strengths and allow for the weaknesses, and like we complement each other through that, and the the right person does the things that they're good at, the other person does the things that they're good at, and in the end, we make sure that each of us are not ex getting exhausted by something we don't want to do.

Speaker 5 40:59

Yeah. And I want to just add like this uh caveat. Like, if you ever said, like, I'm getting really tired, I'm burn burning out, I would say, okay, I'll take over. But it's not gonna be at the level. No, it'll be taking over, like you're like like at a point where I'm paying the yearly dues or something.

Speaker 1 41:22

Delete account.

Speaker 5 41:23

No, I'm not no, we don't delete, we just deactivate. We just take a break. That's funny. Um like yeah, I love that. I get that. And I know some couples do that too. Like, hey, right, you I'm gonna pass this over to you.

Speaker 1 41:39

Like, I'm sorry. I need to take a break. It's your turn.

Speaker 5 41:43

Absolutely. I love that. You that means you're figuring things out for the couple, like, yes.

Speaker 1 41:49

Yeah, I just I feel like, and I think I do think you'd agree. Like, if I pass the torch to you, you'd be like, yes, but it would be radio silence at that point. It's like, okay.

Speaker 5 41:59

I mean, and I am not like super overwhelmed in my day-to-day either. Like, I've got time, I could totally, but still it would be like I choose Netflix or what choose Netflix laundry.

Speaker 2 42:13

I choose yeah, I choose anything else.

Speaker 5 42:16

Anything but yeah, yeah, because I just don't I don't find that joyful, right?

Speaker 1 42:22

And you don't get satisfaction out of just random chats. And you know, I think that's kind of you know, in reality, just so the audience of one knows, like that's kind of out, tends to be like even in our day-to-day texting that shows up, right? Like I can text all day long. Now you are back to the doll. I might text, and then I'm gonna put my phone and everything down, and I'm gonna go do something for two hours and disappear. And that's you, and that's good for me.

Speaker 5 42:52

Hey, thinking of you, set it down, walk away. I'm not gonna be like I'm out of here, a slave to my phone. I guess I will I refuse.

Speaker 1 43:02

Right. So it's back to the uh that's what I think is the highlight.

Speaker 5 43:05

It's back to the roles that people are comfortable with what my party or priorities are and where I want to spend my time.

unknown 43:12

Yeah.

Speaker 1 43:12

So so wrapping it up.

Speaker 5 43:14

Okay, let's let's wrap that rest up.

Speaker 1 43:15

I think that you know, what the results showed from online is that really it's not just about who's running the profile, it's really about how couples communicate, how they divide their energy and protect ultimately their experiences in a space in a way that can really get overwhelming quickly, right? So it's like, hey, how do we protect ourselves? How do we share the load? How do we use each other's strengths in this new piece of our life?

Speaker 5 43:49

Yeah. And I would also like to uh say, just kind of add at the last second. Um, if you are the person r managing the profile to help. displace some of that um burden by sharing with your partner hey this is who I'm talking to just kind of you don't have to give like and depending on what you just you agree upon as a couple like every decision you ever make or comment that's said um but to share like hey this is what's going on right now this is who I'm talking to to give some highlights to bring that person in so they know when to like enter the scene.

Speaker 1 44:31

Yeah I think it's also knowing your relationship knowing your strengths and weaknesses knowing that balance and it's really all about communication and being able to talk with one another and let each other know you know when you need help or not.

Speaker 5 44:49

Like I need help managing a profile or I need ideas breaks this right I keep getting this like what do you think?

Speaker 1 44:56

Yeah because we're all doing this brainstorming. Yep yeah great all right great so we will wrap this segment up and come back in just a minute. All right so we're back this time I think on this segment want to talk about something that's pretty common in lifestyle especially I think around house parties and hotel takeovers and that is themes all right really quick things take it or leave it uh take it take it okay what do you think that does for an event?

Speaker 5 45:34

Uh sort of sets like an intention like um uh I wouldn't say a goal but it's like hey ever getting one on everyone on the same page in some manner.

Speaker 1 45:44

Yeah okay so do you do do you like dressing up yourself?

Speaker 5 45:52

Um a short answer depends like yeah uh it but it depends it depends I don't really enjoy like shopping so if I already have some things that we've collected along the way even better um but initially I kind of go uh because it requires some shopping and I don't care for that so much because it just kind of is this time suck for me.

Speaker 1 46:20

Right. You keep going down a hole and is this good is this good is this good is this good and pretty much I think they all start to look the same. Yeah and then you close your computer or you shut your phone down and you walk away because it's like uh at this point it's like hey do I like that great it's good enough. There you go right done. And I think what you kind of highlighted something uh just a minute ago anyways and that's you know if I already have something great and I think what what we're finding is that you know I think there's a lot of commonality in the themes like you see the same kind of ones over and over and once you have something that you like wearing then you're good. You don't have to buy anything else for that.

Speaker 5 46:58

Like you have you kind of create like a base a base. Yeah. And then you can kind of add or switch things up um according to different themes or the same repeating things like you're getting bored with whatever you have.

Speaker 1 47:12

Yeah yeah yeah all right so you think it enhances the vibe of the party or do you think it adds pressure or both? What do you think?

Speaker 5 47:22

I'm not sure it enhances the you said the vibe of the party um yeah maybe um a little pressure yeah I think both because people you know wanna no one wants to be excluded or feel like they're underdressed or overdressed or like oh shoot I totally missed the mark of yeah um yeah and is it that pressure of and I kind of always I kind of go back to this whole time like feeling comfortable like do I feel good and comfortable and what else am I trying to achieve? Am I trying to achieve like sexiness like um am I trying to look attractive so I think the pressure comes from that maybe I don't know I mean it's probably different for everybody.

Speaker 1 48:11

Yeah I think I I think more along the lines when I think of pressure is more like the hotel takeovers that we've been to um the cruise that kind of thing where you have multiple nights of themes and for me it's like okay well I gotta have something for every single night and then you're pressured about now I got to pack a freaking extra suitcase just for this stuff. I don't know what all this is I don't really like this I don't really like this theme but I feel like I have to have something for that um so I think that's the pressure that I felt around it but at the same time I think once you start to recognize that hey uh if you don't want to do the theme you don't have to do the thing because I I know of people that have shared that they are looking forward to it and that's the thing that they love about it.

Speaker 5 48:57

So I don't know if they feel pressure maybe more excitement um for us I think even individually felt a little different about it.

Speaker 1 49:05

And also again it depends on what the theme is and um yeah but I I think it's helpful um even for like I guess a vanilla party what's the thing like look at prom prom always has a theme I know that's more around decorations and stuff like that but I think it adds to the fun um I think it can um I also think you know for people that are uh I think new to like dressing sexy in an environment where you know sometimes it's like we hit a time and then people change into lingerie like the theme night helps you make that bridge it's like I can wear this cool Tarzana outfit or whatever and it's just costume. So I think there's some of that too. Okay. Yeah at least me um so what do you think makes a theme good or bad?

Speaker 49:58

Good or awkward? Is it just I think that's just like a very personal thing.

Speaker 1 50:06

Yeah right so for for us I think we've had a we've had some great theme nights and then we've had some others pop up that are like I don't even know what the hell you do with that. What what do you think?

Speaker 5 50:19

Like what's been your what's been the most awkwardish theme night at least thinking about what you would wear uh I think um the themes that have tried to really accommodate everybody that have been kind of hodgepodge mix match which is like it seems like a good idea in theory of like hey just wear what you have I kind of like that like whatever's in your closet that you haven't got a chance to wear um but the ones that I don't I don't know like I'm gonna pick up just seems like they're contrasting themes and they kind of smoosh them together to me to me they seem contrasting maybe they seem similar to another person that selected the theme steampunk cowboy Arabian nights like mashed into one like what what this sounds like a fever dream like what happened what so in those I I just thing out of there that kind of stands out and I'm like okay Arabian night I wear my princess Leia outfit I just call it that but um yeah all right yeah yeah it's like which what's gonna bridge all those like oh that's the pressure it's like having a homework assignment and having to write an essay that touches on all three of these topics like no you know no no right and I think you know it's always like am I gonna get this right and you know when I think in the end like part of it is just do you enjoy it?

Speaker 1 51:59

Yeah uh do you feel comfortable in what you're wearing and I think that's what comes out anyways it's like it's not like you walk in there and there's a judging panel of oh you got this right now go back to your room and change please I I will say I also uh Pete uh part of the theme nights is like when you're there seeing what other people have are wearing and what like their creative minds have landed on.

Speaker 5 52:25

That's really cool. It's like whoa that's awesome like I didn't think of that. Why didn't I think of that that that's really neat. Yeah that to me is like um sort of like a surprising like outcome of the theme nights.

Speaker 1 52:42

Yeah a little out of the box stuff and I like to see you know what people have created on their own versus you know you start to see the same outfits when everyone's shopping at Shein and Amazon and all that other stuff.

Speaker 5 52:53

So yeah right that's cool that's the easy way that's that's what I would I choose. Right there are some people that really because they enjoy it um a lot of creativity and it's like wow that is cool.

Speaker 53:05

Yep I appreciate that I like that what about a favorite theme? Have you had a favorite theme?

Speaker 5 53:10

Hmm jeez uh I I think anything that I can wear like flats so it's all about the shoes yeah and I'm gonna wear flats anyway so I don't know what I'm even talking about.

Speaker 1 53:27

That's funny.

Speaker 5 53:28

Um I I don't know if I have had a favorite theme.

Speaker 53:31

Okay.

Speaker 5 53:32

Uh that's fair yeah I've had there's been a couple where I'm like I don't like I'll do it but like whatever I I'm I'm I'm I feel like I'm dressing up in a costume at that point versus wearing something that I choose to wear.

Speaker 1 53:49

Yeah.

Speaker 5 53:50

Yeah it's a little different feel in my mind.

Speaker 1 53:53

Right I think for me my favorite is glow night stuff. Like I don't know something about that I still love I think that's back to the generational thing like the 80s um we had like neon sunglasses and all that stuff and it kind of reminds me of that but I just I also love like the black light effect of things like walking in somewhere and your clothes are glowing and you know not your teeth growing common favorite I believe. Yeah yeah I remember it's different it's different. I like that and I think you know the other piece of this as as we've seen for guys is that it's hard to find good themes for guys. I'll I'll just say that and then guys always seem to have an easy button on that which is you know dress just dress wear some nice slacks and a button down shirt which you know I think we've talked about a little bit it's like yeah that can look sexy and that's good. Yeah because there's this balance I think more so more so for guys I'll just say that's my feeling of sexy versus dorky. And it's hard to find that but I also think that part of that is still how you own what you're wearing anyway. So you know you do you basically and what you're comfortable in and how you show up because of what you're wearing. That's important.

Speaker 5 55:00

Yeah I and I can see like you know if guys wanna are looking forward to dressing up and they want to and it's like gosh the options really suck.

Speaker 1 55:08

Yeah like me I like dressing up. I I like the theme nights I think it's fun I think it adds to the event but you know it's difficult to find in some of the themes something that I can wear that's that matches the theme and is sexy at the same time and I'm comfortable wearing but you know I and going back to that like creativity and thinking outside the box it may require that just based on when you purchase things who is creating these things and like who was buying the marketing the supply and demand is like if it's not there um it's like you might have to create it on your own. Yeah I agree.

Speaker 5 55:47

Do you know does that make sense what I'm saying? Yeah.

unknown 55:49

Yeah.

Speaker 1 55:50

If you really want to do the theme and you can't find what you want because uh in the commercial side out there there's literal options. Yeah hey you may have to get creative and do it.

Speaker 5 55:58

There's not enough interest driving some of these other more interesting or options for pe for guys. Yeah. Hey I just created uh or you just created a new um business opportunity for some all right so um I also want to say too you mentioned the easy button of like yeah just wear a nice shirt and some slacks. But I feel like um I have found the easy button too for ladies like you just wear something skimpy and oh my winner winner chicken dinner. Like oh I don't I didn't have time to prepare I forgot oh it didn't come in here there's another one shipping shipping from across the world didn't get here it's like hey you got something that is going to be a winner. You do you do you own it. I guarantee you do um even if it's not like super sexy you are gonna make it sexy because you're the ingredient your special sauce.

Speaker 1 56:56

I love that. All right so as we wrap this up you like theme nights overall I do and it sounded like you were surprised that I said I was surprised I think you know from our experience but I think it's back to the you hit on it. You don't like the shopping aspect of it like that's the drain. Yeah and that's the drain. And it's fortunate though that you have somebody in your house that loves shopping yeah I know I know a guy I know a guy. You know a guy so if we were to ever host our own party you would have a theme night for that you think I yeah immediately I'm like I know what I would do.

Speaker 5 57:33

Oh what would it be? It would be some sort of like uh sexy western theme cut off shorts and like um I'm just thinking oh what is that show from back in the day heeha oh my god oh my gosh that's terrible I'm so sorry I am so sorry I am that's hilarious wanting to crawl away right now but you know the little tops yeah daisy dudes yes right there and then like the little tops that like tie the original crop tops.

Speaker 1 58:06

Oh okay yeah you may have to show me that later today so I know what you're talking about.

Speaker 5 58:11

Yeah but guys and I think guys can absolutely pull that off sex C too.

Speaker 1 58:17

So you know Western wearing jeans they kinda uh huh yeah yeah jeans all right so if you ever see us also in a party it's gonna be sexy western night yeah probably Trinity yeah all right well great topic uh we'll go ahead and wrap this segment up and we'll come back in just a minute and close the show out thanks again all right so again thanks for joining us on this uh really enjoyed the conversation tonight on who's running profiles I think we came to the conclusion that pretty much anybody is and we're doing it for all kinds of different reasons.

Speaker 5 58:56

We did not narrow anything down.

Speaker 1 58:57

We did not but I think that's again that's why you can't make too many stereotypes in this because you really don't know what's going on. And everybody's got their own dynamic. All right and then we talked about theme night which you know I got a curveball thrown at me I didn't know that you liked theme nights but yeah yeah it's like a necessary necessary evil there we go that's it uh but that wraps it up for episode number seven thanks for being with us I'm Neo and I'm Trinity have a great day