Unplugged and Turned On
Unplugged and Turned On is a podcast about what really happens when you step outside the scripts and explore connection, attraction, and relationships in a more open, honest way. Hosted by a real couple navigating the lifestyle together, we dive into the moments you don’t always hear about - the chemistry, the curiosity, the awkwardness, and everything in between.
Beyond the lifestyle, we explore communication, emotional awareness, and practical tools to help you connect more deeply in every part of your relationships.
Real conversations. Real experiences. Just a little electric.
Unplugged and Turned On
What If They Never Want This?
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One of the hardest relationship problems isn’t bad sex or no sex, it’s good love with a mismatched desire. A listener, "J", writes in with a question that lands right in the gut: he and his wife have a strong marriage, solid communication, kids, and a genuinely fun sex life, but he feels a deep pull toward the lifestyle while she wants a private, monogamous connection and may never want anything else. So what do you do with a desire your relationship might never accommodate?
We slow it down and get honest about what actually helps. We talk consent as something bigger than the bedroom, why “no” has to stay safe, and how repeated conversations can quietly become pressure even when you don’t mean it that way. We also unpack the psychological trap of fixation: when you believe you “can’t” have something, it can start taking up way more space than it deserves.
Then we go underneath the fantasy. What does the lifestyle represent to you: novelty, freedom, community, being desired, or a core emotional need? We share ways couples can explore those core desires inside monogamy through fantasy, erotic conversation, role play, and micro steps that reduce threat. We also offer a somatic test for clarity: imagine never doing it, then imagine leaving your marriage to do it, and notice what your body says about your real priorities.
If you’re navigating swinging curiosity, open marriage questions, or a sexual desire mismatch, listen through and then tell us: what’s the “why” under your want? Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more couples can find the conversation.
Email us at podcast@unpluggedandturnedon.com - we'd love to hear from you!
Unplugged And Turned On Introduction
Speaker 3This is unplugged and turned on, where we drop the masks, challenge the rules, and explore what connection, desire, and relationships really look like beneath the surface. This is an adult podcast and it's not intended for anyone under the age of 18. So if you're under 18, go find something else to listen to.
SpeakerI'm Neo. And I'm Trinity. And together we're getting into the real stuff: attraction, intimacy, communication, and the moments that actually create chemistry.
Speaker 3No script, no pretending. Just honest conversations about what turns us on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. So go ahead. Unplug a little.
Speaker 1And let's turn something on. Well, hello everybody, and welcome back. I'm Neo.
Speaker 3And I'm Trinity.
Speaker 1And welcome to our latest episode. How are you doing, sexy?
Speaker 3I am good. Actually, my stomach's a little bit of knots with uh the topic that we're gonna talk about a little bit.
Speaker 1Oh, interesting. So today is gonna be something a little bit different. Like we've um had some listener feedback, and we got a question from a listener that we're gonna talk through today. So it'll be a little bit different, but I really like this. I really like the topic, so that's kind of what we're gonna go with today. So nothing to be nervous about, though.
Speaker 3Well, um, my my issue is like I'm not sure which hat to be wearing. Um I'm trying to really just think from the lens of being helpful.
Speaker 1That's awesome. We can bring some of our Somatica kind of lens to that then.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's what I will I've chosen to lean on and see how.
Speaker 1There you go. He started the other stuff.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Listener Letter About Lifestyle Mismatch
Speaker 1Okay. So I'm gonna get into the question. And for the sake of this, we are going to call the listener "J". Um, he says, hi, Neo and Trinity. And hold on really quick. I'm gonna go back. Um, if I skip through some of this, seem like I'm rambling. I just want to make sure I'm protecting um identity. So if I start reading this email and see something that may pop out, I'll probably just skip over that. So if it sounds weird, just bear with me, people. All right. So, hi Neo and Trinity. I've really enjoyed listening to you talk about your experience and what you've learned over the years. There's one question I'd especially love your perspective on because it's something I'm struggling with personally. My wife and I have been married for several years together for several more and have some kids. We have a genuinely strong marriage. We love each other, communicate well, share the same foundational values, and everything else about our relationship is really good. The complication is that we have very different sexual temperaments. My wife is actually quite sexually adventurous with me, and we've had fun expanding our sex life together. But she has absolutely no desire for anything involving other people or the broader lifestyle. She genuinely craves a private, intimate sex life with just me and is completely uninterested in anything beyond that. I've realized that my interest in her lifestyle may be more than simply wanting more novelty. I have a genuine desire and curiosity to experience that world. Ideally, I'd want to explore with my wife because the trust, transparency, and shared experience are important to me, but she may simply never want that. That has left me pretty torn. I don't want to leave my wife over this and blow up an otherwise really good marriage in our family. At the same time, this has been weighing on me heavily for a long time. I think about it and feel the conflict almost every day. I'm struggling with the feeling that I'm suppressing something that I deeply desire and may never be able to fulfill. So the million-dollar question I love your insight on is when one person deeply desires to explore the lifestyle while the other has absolutely no desire to do it, possibly ever, how do you reconcile that conflict when the marriage itself is really good? I'd especially love you to think back to before you ever explored the lifestyle. If one of you had felt a very strong desire to explore it, while the other had absolutely no desire and didn't seem likely to ever want it, knowing what you know now, how would you have felt about that situation? How would you have ultimately reconciled it? How do you determine whether a desire is something you can genuinely let go of and make peace with versus something that will continue to weigh on you for years? I'm not looking for someone to tell me whether I should stay or leave, or for an argument to convince my wife. I'm trying to understand how couples who have actually faced this kind of mismatch have navigated it. I'm also working through this with a sex and relationship therapist and trying to approach it thoughtfully rather than make a major decision based on a temporary feeling or fantasy. Thanks for sharing your experiences publicly. Hearing from couples who have been married for decades and navigated these questions has been really helpful. Thanks,
When Forbidden Desire Becomes Obsession
Speaker 1"J". Well, there you go. That is was a very long question. Uh a lot of stuff in there, but initially, what do you think about that, Trinity?
Speaker 3First, I want to say, like, hey, thank you for reaching out and sharing that. I think that was a very thoughtful um question, how you worded it and brought it forward to us. Um, it takes a lot of courage to open up and share that with someone else. So I just want to really say like, thanks for that. Um trusting us with that. Um it seems like a tricky, a tricky thing. Um, the first thing that stands out to me is it's like when we're told we can't have something, then that's the only thing we can think about.
Speaker 1I agree. Yeah. Great point.
Speaker 3Like we hyperfixate on something. It's that something like a like a double negative in our mind is like, we can't have that, so that's the only thing I can think about. And something that's not a problem becomes one.
Speaker 2Yeah. No.
Speaker 3And this may be something that doesn't have our solution, and we don't like that as people, like humans, we want to solve a problem. Um yeah.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 3Initially, that's my my reflex answer there.
Speaker 1Absolutely. So, really on this one, we're saying telling us they have a great marriage, they have a strong connection, they have a really good sex life. He deeply wants to explore the lifestyle. Currently, she doesn't, and may never. And what he's telling us is he's not asking how to convince her. So the question really is, and you kind of hinted on that a little bit, I think, is how do you live with a desire that your relationship may never accommodate?
Speaker 3Yeah. And I think some some of that is like we can have fantasies that are never going to be reality.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3And like I can have these ideas and it's never gonna happen.
Speaker 1I think even in the lifestyle, you can even when you're in the lifestyle, even when you're doing all of this, you can still have fantasies that are really never gonna come true. Right. But I think you talk about a little bit, and I think even in some of our somatical work is also, like you said earlier, more like living in disappointment. Like we don't like to live in disappointment. We want all of our all of our wants fulfilled and learning how to live in that space of I'm not gonna get what I want, but I'm okay, is is a hard thing to do.
Speaker 3And I think in that reflecting on the gratitude, because he said "J" says that of like, have a great relationship, and we have uh I'm paraphrasing, but um, we have great sex. Um, and like right there, right that, like you've already won the lottery.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3Um, but we can focus on the thing that we're not getting and forget what we do have.
Speaker 1I think he just talked a little bit about that today, but yeah, like you lose appreciation for what you do have when all you do is focus on what you don't have.
Speaker 3Um, but I it's shifting shifting gear to look. We can go back to the case. Of course. Uh I'm thinking about like our journey.
Speaker 1Yeah, bring it back to us.
Speaker 3A lot of other people, kind of their stories that they've shared with us. Um consider this too, maybe. Um are you doing more? Do you have more exposure to podcasts and content and reading books than she does? Cause maybe there's a misalignment there. It's more normalized and familiar, especially of just how most men, males are socialized in the United States with like a lot of porn. Oh, yeah. There's a lot more just familiarity and comfort around that.
Speaker 1Um whereas on the female side is a lot of shutdown and shame and all of that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3Like for us early on, and we still do this. Sometimes we would um it this is hard when you've got kids at home, but coming together, having conversations, listening to podcasts, watching uh certain shows and talking about it, just having conversations together, because you might be ahead. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe yeah, just checking for anyone, because I'm sure there's people that can really relate to what "J" is sharing on some level, because it seems really relatable.
Speaker 1Absolutely. I I could relate to that, yes. Absolutely.
Speaker 3Um, of just kind of getting the normalizing and but having conversations around it. Um, like maybe being curious about what what are why is it a hard no? Um, usually it's around fear.
Speaker 1Absolutely.
Speaker 3Something, uh, hey, let's talk about the fear.
Speaker 1Just especially if you have a strong relationship, like you don't want to mess that up. There's all kinds of fear around that, shame around your desire.
Speaker 3There's this wonderful, wonderful thing. Why would we why would we engage in something that's risky?
Speaker 1Right.
Fear Risk And Why No Matters
Speaker 3Right and risk tolerance is different from person to person as well.
Speaker 1Um, so the next thing I think to really highlight, and we I I think we talked a little bit about it, but like in this situation, remembering that like nobody's wrong. Her desire, her wants are valid.
Speaker 3Excellent point.
Speaker 1Her desire for monogamy is valid. Wanting something doesn't create an obligation for your partner. And I think that's key. You guys are partners, but you also have to respect your boundaries, your limits, all what you're comfortable with, what your partner's comfortable with. And a no, and I'm gonna say this for me like this is really hard for me to take in a lot. A no doesn't necessarily mean rejection of you. So that's hard. Like a no, you're not a bad person. No, you're not an asshole. No, just means that person is saying that's how they feel, and we want to honor our partner's feelings. So that's that's that's a big one. And then sometimes, another hard one, there isn't a compromise that gives everyone what they want.
Speaker 3Yeah, there it yeah, there it's uh kind of a lose-lose where and that's pretty harsh. That's like a black and white thing, but you might not get exactly what you want, but something in that and I sway I wanted to kind of also throw that out there. Some depending on the interest of "J", um, if there is a possibility for outsourcing, if she doesn't want to do it, um as I say of the cute community, uh fetish.
SpeakerThat's some tough stuff right there.
Speaker 3Of like it doesn't have to be open for everybody, but if there's like, yeah, I'm willing for you to go have this experience to see if you even like it or whatever, if that's been a uh conversation.
Speaker 1Oof, that's a tough one. Absolutely. And so I could talk about that too. Like, yeah, that takes a really strong relationship too. That's a tough one.
Speaker 3Yeah, and I'd also don't know I'm not, I'm not I can't meet that. I'm not willing to cross my own personal limit, but I want you as my partner to have what you like to feel good and do these things.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3If it's just an option, I don't I think I'm gonna throw it out there.
Speaker 1I think I'd be curious because you know, "J" mentioned that he's going to um a sex therapist, sex coach person, you know, we're very familiar with with that kind of work. Is his wife participating or interested in that? You know, because uh we even talk about that. Like if you go as part of a couple and only one person goes, it's really hard. It's really hard to work through those issues because a coach can only coach you so far, like you still have a partner at the other end of that conversation that you're trying to bring things back to.
unknownYeah.
Speaker 3And then that's why I I I I thought like, you know, having having a conversation with your spouse, talking about the the limit, like her edge of saying no and kind of exploring that in a non-threatening way, like hey, I'm just curious, why is this a no? And I'm sure um he's probably done all that stuff, but um for anyone else out there too, just wondering how do you how do you do this? Yeah, um gently, slowly, just kind of it's a it's an evolution. Um, it I mean it develops and everybody's different with their pace, or it is a no. The no is a no and it's not and but anytime like there's like a resistance, I like to look at that like okay, let's look at that. The no, like what's bump you're bumping up against something, what is it? And a lot of times it's fear.
Speaker 1Sure. Yeah. So for us, have we and I know the answer to this, um, but have we ever had something one of us really wanted sexually that the other didn't? It's an easy one for me.
Speaker 3Yeah, you want another woman with you. Yeah, the three, the you and another woman.
Speaker 1No, I don't care about that. I don't care about that. I want to see you
Compromise Limits And Outside Support
Speaker 1with another woman. Like that that play.
Speaker 3Right?
Speaker 1And and what I for for me, that is something that, you know, I want that.
Speaker 3It's yeah, and it's always gonna be in your head.
Speaker 1It's always gonna be in my head as a possibility.
Speaker 3You can bring it up, and I know you are, and I'm not like threatened by that. And it's like we just know we kind of joke about it.
Speaker 1Like you have this desire to this thing. Yeah.
Speaker 3Uh and I like you would desire me to be part of that. But you're responsible for getting your needs met, and you desire me to help make to meet those needs.
Speaker 1Right. A lot of my fantasies involve you. And if you aren't able to fulfill those, then those are just my fantasies. And I also, you know, I'm left at the position of I'm not going to pressure you to do a thing. I've got to recognize that that fantasy may just live in my head, and that's okay.
Speaker 3And fantasies are hot. Bring them in.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3And bring them into your mind, bring them into the bedroom, talk about them, talk about them. That's hot.
Speaker 1Yeah. And the okay, so the next piece of this, I think, is, and we talk about this a lot too, between ourselves, or we did initially, is really the like, what is your what is your why for for "J"? Like, what does the lifestyle represent to you? Novelty and adventure? Representing being desired.
Speaker 3And so I would I've been curious about that heart.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3Because if it is, he says it's not, but if for anyone else, it's like, ooh, I want to try something different. Um, novelty is just that. It's it's a short-lived thing. You have the thing, you eat the meal, you do the the one, the one, I don't know, activity, and you're like, eh, that's all right. I need something else. Like novelty in itself requires constant updates. Absolutely. Something new, something new, something new.
Speaker 1So other other options, like, what is that? Being desired, um, sexual variety, which I think is kind of some novelty stuff, freedom. I think for a lot of people, lifestyle does represent some of that. Um, community. That's a big part of the lifestyle, anyways, is community. That's one of the reasons we really enjoy it. Uh, seeing your partner differently. I know I really enjoy that part of it, absolutely. Um, exploring another side of yourself. So there's all kinds of things, but I I would ask, you know, for "J" for others, really, like what is your why and think deeply about that. What is it when you have fantasies around this and your partner getting involved with other people and the lifestyle? What does that represent to you? Does it represent an unfulfilled need? Does it represent just something that you're really excited about? Can you push yourself to do a thing? And, you know, what does that open up a different side of you? What does that look like? So I think, you know, the the question from that would be do I feel like I need the lifestyle or am I trying to meet a deeper need through the lifestyle?
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, and and yeah, I love that. Like getting to we call it the uh what is it, the core core desires.
Speaker 1Core desires. Yeah.
Speaker 3Desires. What what do you what how do you want to feel? Like what is that? And it's different for everybody, but you whatever that feeling is, to feel special, to feel chosen, uh, to feel I don't know, ravished, devoured, like all these things. Right. What is it that you want to feel? And there are other ways to get to that, to have that feeling um just kind of be manifested, created.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Um, and getting creative with that, of like, okay, we can't do this and we can't outsource. Uh what else can we do so I can feel this need? Right. And that might be like role playing and she's do pretending to be someone else.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1And and I would say, you know, when we talk about when we talk about all this stuff, there are options for um people to introduce into their sexual lives. None of that necessarily is easy, right? Because we talk about role play all the time. And can you actually get into that? Some people certainly can and really enjoy that. Other people are like, I can try, and then I'll just keep on laughing. But there are things that I think are good to introduce between two people, between yourselves, um, and see how they work for you and see if they fulfill some of those needs.
Speaker 3Yeah. Yeah. Um, something I wanted to also uh mention was um this idea of like um if you feel like and I think reading sex at dawn, I I think I kind of came to this reading that yeah, which good book. Yeah. Um was like some people perhaps are more monogamous that leaning more monogamous, and some are more they lean more non-monogamous, and that can be some kind of maybe instinctual primal thing that's within us of like, hey, is that what you're feeling? Because that's different. Right. Uh he mentioned sexual temperaments different. Um but I didn't hear like different,
Core Desires And Bedroom Alternatives
Speaker 3like different sex drives, like there, I don't I didn't hear misaligned sexual interests, or I hear that part.
Speaker 1She's very sexual, they have a lot of fun together, that seems. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so putting ourselves in their shoes.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1What if I desperately wanted this or desperately wanted something, and Trinity said absolutely never. For me, I think it just depends on how much you've built this up into your head. Um, I know for me, like I, if I'm gonna ask Trust Trinity something really difficult that I know or I assume that she's gonna have a problem with, like, I'm gonna put a whole bunch of information into my head first. I'm gonna think about all of the things that she's gonna come back at me with and ask questions on and all of that and kind of be prepared. The flip side of that is if once I bring up the conversation, it's usually nothing I've planned for. Um, but what would I feel like if Trinity said absolutely never? I I will say knowing now what I've what knowing in the past what I know now, I would say nothing's really ever a hard no, but also respecting that boundary. Like, I am glad that with Conver with our conversation, communication these days, I can bring crazy shit up. And some of that may be, oh hell no, it may change into a well, I don't know, to a maybe, to a yes. And it also may never. I think for me is still back to I am also learning that living in I don't know if it's disappointment. It's because I like all things variety in life, I like to try all things at least once, right? So I think it's like one of those things that, okay, well, I won't get to try that. Um, but I also know that I have to live with that, and that's okay. Does it suck sometimes? Absolutely, it sucks. But I also know, and I think "J" highlighted in his is I don't want to, I for all the variety that I like in life, none of it's worth blowing up this awesome relationship that I have. Yeah. So it's just letting it settle that it's a no now doesn't mean I can't come back to it later, but I also don't want to be pressuring. So that's kind of how I look at it. Um yeah. Let me see.
Speaker 3Yeah, well said. I I that that was well said. Um what would it feel like for for me, from my point of view, if that were us, okay um absolutely initially, and I think I've mentioned this every time is especially when it comes to this, and I think about our time just kind of starting out, like I felt it as a threat, a threat to me personally, and threat to us, and it's just like uh and so immediately no was very much like my protection, right? Um and then but everyone's different with us, and I wanted more information, yeah, so that I could make just more of it's just a more informed decision. What uh what are we looking at here? Because as far as the lifestyle is concerned, it is a huge umbrella. You don't have to have sex with anyone, you can still be part of the lifestyle, right?
Speaker 1You just yeah, we're just talking about that today.
Speaker 3Yeah, like you can be you can enjoy going to sex clubs or to just be at a sex like dancing sexy and wearing sexy clothes, and then you two go and do your own thing. Like it that it's really non-threatening there. I mean it it's it that's a gradual thing.
Speaker 1It's non-threatening because we've been there and we see that it's non-threatening.
Speaker 3I've had yeah, I'm originally it was.
Speaker 1We've seen that when you go in there and not everybody's gonna try to have sex with you as soon as you walk in the door.
Speaker 3But like looking like taking um taking small, like micro steps of like, hey, would you be interested in going to an adult-only resort?
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 3And we can keep our clothes on, just observing, like really gradually getting into dipping your toe in, what's this feel like? Um, and her leading that too, maybe possibly. Yeah, um, but I just know from my point of view, it was a threat and immediately just very much self-assessment. What's going on? What's this mean? And just like throwing all the alarms like, what's this? What is this? Um, and realizing it's not a panic. Slow down.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Um, take your time, you can have your foot on the brake while you learn. And I want to go back to that piece of like maybe you're on two different learning curves. You already did all of the research and you know all the stuff, and she just knows this idea. Who knows? I don't know the whole situation.
SpeakerSure.
Speaker 3Um, right, but looking at what does she understand and know about it, or is it automatic? No, I don't want to talk about it. It's an absolute no, because that's that's she's very scared.
Speaker 1Absolutely. Yeah. So coming back from what I was what the question that I was answering earlier for you, what would it feel like knowing I wanted something that you couldn't give me?
Speaker 3I got off track. Easy. That's okay. Easy to do.
Speaker 1No, I love your perspective on all that. I want to hear where your brain goes, but what would that feel like to you? Knowing that I really wanted something you couldn't or wouldn't. I don't know the right way to say that because it's not really couldn't, because you can. If I have but it's it's something you absolutely don't want to do.
Speaker 3Initially, like I said, I'm gonna come like at it like a threat, and it's gonna be a hell no.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1The a caveat to that is depending on what it is exactly how it's presented, just who I am, maybe like but how would you uh but really quick, like I want I we're gonna get into all of that. What I want to know is I come to you with something crazy, and it doesn't even have to be lifestyle. I come to you with crazy shit all the time. Yeah, how does that feel to you saying no to me if I really seem excited about something?
Speaker 3I feel I'm the bad guy, I'm the no button. Yeah, I and so come to me with something, I feel like, okay, here we go. I'm the bad guy. I'm gonna say no.
Speaker 1Okay, right.
Speaker 3Say no, I'm bad guy again, yeah, bad guy again, I'm the bad guy again.
Speaker 1Right. Okay.
Speaker 3But would we keep we've worked through that no, like I'm the no, you're the yes, right? And but still, even knowing that, I just I dread it. Yeah, I know, I know because I am the one that's gonna say, hey, have we thought all this stuff through? Have yeah, yeah. The voice of reason, you're the voice, you're the voice of dreams.
Speaker 1And would we would we keep talking about it? I think it depends on what it is, and I think it depends on how important it is in this scenario, like how important it is for me.
Speaker 3I I think no matter what, it's worth with any couple to key chewing on it unless it's up to it.
Speaker 1Somebody really wants it.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but keep kind of discussing it because you what's happening is that you're processing, you don't
Micro Steps Into The Big Umbrella
Speaker 3just process fully the first time. Right. It keeps it's like uh Polaroid film. It keeps developing, keeps changing. You feel differently about it a few days later, two years later, whatever. Um if it's bugging one of us or both of us, that we bring it back in, we introduce it. Hey, I was thinking more about this. Um, even if I'm the no, I will say, hey, I want to talk more about this. Is that okay to talk about?
Speaker 1Right. And I think what's important for that too is that's a it's an ongoing thing, but depending on who you are and where your relationship is at, like that coming back to it may be really quick. That may be like six months down the road, a year down the road. So it's still good to come back to it, but recognize that you gotta know your partner too.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah.
unknownYeah.
Speaker 1And when does that oh go ahead?
Speaker 3I was gonna say, uh, for "J", like I can understand that if you feel like that's part of like repressing your who you are as a person, your sexuality, I I totally get that. Um that can be really frustrating.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Um also putting in perspective, like I think globally, at least in the United States, sexuality is repressed. Yeah. Um, and it's you've been doing this for how long?
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 3Uh looking bringing that into context. And I'm sure you are, I'm sure you are, because you mentioned like not wanting to um ruin the family system. But when is what's the cost benefit there?
Speaker 1Yeah, uh absolutely. But when does like the recurring conversation become pressure? And uh and I will say for me, that's back to that's but kind of back to the attunement discussion. Yeah, like knowing your partner, knowing when they are like, if you see the walls like going like being built and being built faster, like that's probably not the direction you want to go. Like, slow it down, stop the conversation. Like, that's not it, right? You you've you've hit a button, you don't want to pressure, especially if you value relationship, which "J" says he does, right? They've had a long relationship, they've got kids, all this stuff. Um, so I think we all I like to think that in a relationship like that, we all know our partners and we all know what our partners are capable of, and we also know when we are pushing too much.
Speaker 3But I don't know, like um, maybe somewhat. Yeah, I would say caution on knowing your partner, giving them giving them opportunity to make that decision for themselves. So I would say bring it up. Like this is still bugging me because if something is festering, you uh I would absolutely encourage anyone, you need to have a conversation around it. If your partner is shutting that down, you've got big, bigger problems. You got uh something else, right? Something else is there, you're not able to, there's not enough emotional safety in the relationship, you can't have a conversation around just the feeling around it. Yeah, that's something that's not specific to any situation, it's a deeper problem.
Speaker 1Right. And I think it's kind of back to you don't want to get to a place where resentment is occurring. Like if if you are resenting everything uh because you feel like you're being told no to everything, and again, I'll go to extremes on that, is you're gonna start feeling resentful. But at the same time, what are you sharing with your partner around that, right? Are are you and and what kind of pressure are you applying to that? Because you can have a nice conversation, a good conversation, a difficult conversation without like it's hard to sometimes, but without getting so dug in. Like, don't dig yourself in and create like battle zones where now you're attacking each other. Like, don't do that, but also take care of yourself, like don't let that resentment get to a point where you're not where you're not even saying anything to your partner because all you're really doing there is pushing away, pulling away, whatever that looks like. You are walking away from your partner or you're pushing them away from you. So I think it's a fine line there, but it's back to I I look at I hope, you know, in a relationship for 15 plus years, you know some of what that looks like. And obviously that's not the case with everybody. I get that, but I still say, how important is this to you? And knowing how often you want to kind of bring that up and at the same time be cognizant and appreciative of your partner.
Speaker 3Because our sexuality is is part of who we are. Because i in this, I was thinking, hey, we substituted something else instead of um sex, we substitute food. Yep. I'm adventurous in food and I'd like to try this, but my wife only likes these 20 meals. But within those 20 meals, they're the best meals are so good.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 3But we introduce more into our, you know, our our our menu. Like yeah, it's like also like with food, you need food to survive and live. You do not need sex to survive and live. And he's getting sex. I know there's other ways to be if like like loneliness, it was isolation, there's other ways for men to be intimate with people.
Speaker 1It was a joke. I will say I would die without sex, but no, I know I won't. Thank you. Plus I can take care of myself.
Speaker 3Enriches our life, absolutely.
Speaker 1So knowing what we know now, and I want you to think about that, and I think we're on the same answer, really the same answer with this one. Would the lifestyle have been worth damaging our relationship to experience?
Speaker 3For us, no. No. I don't we're not, I don't think we're one-to-one reflective of the question.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 3I don't I don't think we are.
Speaker 1What does that mean?
Speaker 3Like that's not that's not us. We can't say that's us.
Speaker 1Well, I think knowing what we know about the lifestyle, would it be worth damaging our relationship over?
Speaker 3It loses its shine.
Speaker 1Like well, it's not as big of a thing as you think when you're not in it.
Speaker 3You build it up in your head way more than when it's really happening. Absolutely. It's like, yeah.
Speaker 1I think you know, there's a lot of people that have been asked this question, you know, talked about this on podcast too. Like, would you ever leave the lifestyle? And the answer was absolutely. I would miss the friendships that I've made. I would probably keep those and still not be in the, you know, and walk away from the lifestyle. But it's it's the community that I would miss. The rest of it is like novelty. It really is novelty. It's fun. I love seeing what I've seen and done what I've done, but it's novelty.
Speaker 3And you can be, you can tap into your sexual sexuality without actually having sex. You can be more open
Resentment Pressure And Acceptance
Speaker 3and finding going back to what your why is of like finding out what is it that you're looking for and finding ways in your quote-unquote vanilla life to incorporate those. Like if you want to change the way you're dressing or you want to be, I don't know, whatever it is, incorporate those. You do not have to have sex with other people to be true to your sexuality.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 3No, it's a bummer. It's a bummer. I'm not gonna say it's not disappointing, or you're not getting you're not reaching the 100%, but you're getting something.
Speaker 1Right. I agree. Yeah. All right. I think the next piece really is like, do you suppress this? And what's the difference between suppression of this versus acceptance, right? Like, so suppression would be like, I can't have this, so I'm gonna bury it. I'm not, I'm gonna try not to think about it. And then acceptance, which is more like I still want this, but I'm consciously choosing a life that I may not experience this in. So that there's a there's a couple of ways to look at that. So can you still fantasize about something you've chosen not to pursue?
Speaker 3Yeah. Uh the interest this repressing word is interesting to me because I don't think there's repression happening.
Speaker 1The suppression. Oh, something.
Speaker 3Yep.
Speaker 1Um well it could.
Speaker 3You're pushing something down. No, it can still sit there and be there because that's the amount of mental um, you're staring at the thing you're trying to do. I look at then like what shift your mind. What can you do? Don't look at the thing you can't do, or you've been told not to. You've been able to do this your whole life. We all have. Our parents told us no, you cannot get the blow pop at the the checkout. Are you trying to get the candy bar?
Speaker 1No.
Speaker 3Did mom ever tell you that people we have a temper tantrum? We say, uh, whatever. And then, yeah, we can say, Oh, I never got that, never got that, never got that.
Speaker 1Ruined my life.
Speaker 3We can just rehearse that and rehearse it and rehearse it. It's like, what else do you have? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I have this thing in my room, and now I'm content.
Speaker 1That's right.
Speaker 3We just shift on the things we do not get and we do not have. And that's reminding ourselves, we are adults, we are not children.
Speaker 1Hmm, that's interesting. Because I think when we talk about um when you are both triggered in an argument, like you show up as uh, you know, a child throwing a temper tantrum.
Speaker 3And I also want to get the thing I want, but sometimes I don't get the thing I want.
Speaker 1That's right. So as an adult, I don't know that it's any easier, but I think you have a more rational mind where you're like, okay, I don't get to throw a temper tantrum, but yes, I do get to be disappointed. Yeah. Um, and then really does accepting it mean that the desire has to disappear? And I and I don't think so.
Speaker 3No, I don't think so. It's it's circumstances. You accept your circumstances. Again, you don't know if that's forever and ever and ever how it's gonna be until you die.
Speaker 1Right. Um it is this is just what it is right now. I really like how you said that. Like that's how it is right now.
Speaker 3It is right now.
Speaker 1There's a long time until you die, hopefully.
Speaker 3And if you've if there are children that are at home, I mean that's really complicated right there. And maybe you never know what next year or the year after what it will look like. Yeah. And I just in in that I just want to instill some hope there. Um, not false hope, but just hope that, hey, we are constantly changing, growing, especially when she's doing her own journey, learning about her body and her sexuality. Because there's that whole side that we didn't talk about was her.
Speaker 1Absolutely. Right?
Speaker 3I'm like, there she's got her own stuff.
Speaker 1And who knows what who knows what that is, and who knows, you know, there's some there's a whole bunch of reasons why she wants to say no to this and why she's saying no to this. And I think respecting that too, but I still come back to like whether that's possible or not. Like to I guess a couple going to sex therapy, sex coaching, sex counseling, relationship counseling, whatever you want to call it. I think it's good to be able to do that if your partner feels comfortable with that, because it provides a safer space to engage in some of these conversations.
Speaker 3Yeah. So good job, "J". Um, going to get um Yeah, going to the help around that. Absolutely. Kind of working through that. And yeah, did you want to have any more to say?
Speaker 1About what? I got a lot more.
Speaker 3Oh, dang, I'm gonna go.
Speaker 1We're not done here trying to wrap shit up, won't we? She's like, my my seltzer's empty. I gotta go get another one.
Speaker 3It is, honestly.
Speaker 1Okay, yeah. We're gonna take a pause. Do you want to pause? Get another seltzer.
Speaker 3Yeah, and I need a body break.
Speaker 1So we're gonna take a break
Consent And Keeping No Safe
Speaker 1here, folks. We'll be back in just a little bit. Trinity's gotta go. All right, we're back, we're recharged. We got a seltzer, I got another white rascal something or other beverage, and we're gonna continue on with this topic. Oh. So kind of coming back to something we talked about recently, which is consent, right? The thing consent is bigger than the bedroom, bigger than sex lives and all of that stuff, right? I think it's like allowing no to remain safe. Like, hey, if somebody doesn't want to do something, the answer is no. Um, you need to think about that. And it's back to like, why are they saying no?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Like no means no, it doesn't mean yes, because if it went yes, then whatever, right? Like, no means no.
Speaker 3Being able to accept no.
Speaker 1And repeatedly asking becomes pressure. Now, you don't want to pressure somebody into doing something like this, absolutely not, because that can really go the opposite direction. Let's say you pressured, I pressured you into doing something.
Speaker 3Yeah, immediately is no. Yeah, but if let's say I did, it's gonna be resentment, right?
Speaker 1Hurt, yes, like on the on the other end of that, I did a thing that I didn't want to do, is shit's gonna blow up. Like, that's not gonna be good.
Speaker 3And also on the other side of that, too, is like I don't like no, so I'm gonna go around you to make it happen.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3There's another there's a word for that, and that's betrayal.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah. I don't think I hear that in "J", but uh, you know, just no overall the topic is you know, just consent. You want your partner's consent to do this, you want your partner's consent to participate in this.
Speaker 3He's very clear on not being manipulated, absolutely.
Speaker 1So all of this isn't necessarily directed at "J". It's just on the overall conversation of I want to do a thing, I want to be in the lifestyle my partner's not interested.
Speaker 3Yeah, we're not trying to beat "J" up with the baseball band.
Speaker 1No, "J"'s question was a great question because I think I can relate to that. Like, I'm the one that brought this up. I was thinking about this, we've talked about this before. Like, we lived overseas, and I'm like, man, there's some sex club kind of stuff here. Like, that sounds fucking interesting. And I never brought it up, and I but I also knew where we were at in our lives, like that was not even anywhere near a possibility.
Speaker 3No, I would have the baseball bat would have been brought to your attention.
Speaker 1That's right, absolutely that we don't own, but yeah, and then I I'll also say, like, don't turn like maybe someday into this big waiting game, right?
Speaker 3Like, oh yeah, good point. It's just kind of like not not yet, not now, right? Because maybe timing the stars aren't aligned, things aren't ready, and it's okay to feel the way you feel, and she waits feels the way she feels. Maybe timing's not it's not the right time.
Speaker 1Absolutely, that's it, and then don't just Sit there waiting for the right time. Like, okay, yep, you might bring it up again later. That's fine. But don't just like go live your life. Go enjoy the awesome sex that you're still having. Go enjoy your kids, all the stuff. And then on this note, you know, don't make your partner responsible for resolving your own internal conflict on this stuff. It's not their fault, right? You want this thing. Prior to you wanting this thing, your partner thought all things were fine and there was nothing else that you wanted. They're not responsible for their for like they're really not responsible for soothing you if they're not comfortable with what you're asking for.
Speaker 3Making you comfortable.
Speaker 1Yeah. And that's a tough place, but you got to recognize that. Because a compromise or a yes is really only good when both of you are in it together. So the next thing I think would be like what do you got? Instead of how do I get rid of this desire, this fantasy, this want?
Speaker 3Oh no, no.
Speaker 1It's more like if my wife never changes her mind on this, can I still freely choose this marriage and be fulfilled? And that's a question that only "J" can answer. That's the only that's a question that only the spouse wanting something can answer.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Because how important is this to you? If pursuing something like this meant losing the relationship that you have, what would that loss mean to you? Is fulfilling that fantasy is fulfilling what you think is a need, a desire worth losing your relationship over. And I would say, like, you only you know that.
Speaker 3Yeah, because maybe it is, maybe it's not. It's a very personal, personal thing.
Speaker 1Right, because you everybody knows where you're at. Meaning, like, only you know what's the most important thing to you, only you know how to take care of yourself, only you know the importance of the thing that you're wanting and how important that is. Only you know that. So if you have to make hard decisions, what are the consequences of that? Yeah is that something you're willing to do? Are you willing to blow up your life to try
Somatic Test Never Versus Leaving
Speaker 1something you never tried before? And then I would also add to that something that you don't even know if you're gonna like. So, how important is that to you? Because again, I'll come back to it, and I may have said this already, but we're not saying like it's it's not worth it. You have to decide if it's worth it for you. Looking at what you have now is risking all of that worth it so that you can see if this fulfills something in you.
Speaker 3Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, yeah, it's it's definitely a risk assessment, and I am a big proponent of being authentic and being like having just true self-experiences. Sometimes we don't have complete access to that. Yeah, and it's not ideal. Um either path you choose is maybe not ideal.
Speaker 1Absolutely. That's a great point.
Speaker 3Yay, you pick the right decisions. Like there's a great point.
Speaker 1Both sides of that.
Speaker 3Yeah, whatever you pick.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah. Um okay. So let's bring it back to a little bit of the Sematica stuff that we do. Imagine this, and this is for listeners, right?
Speaker 3I want you to kind of hear what you're saying.
Speaker 1Close your eyes if you can, where you're at, and think about something you really, really, really, really want. If the lifestyle is a thing that you want, then picture that. And imagine to yourself in all of that, I will never experience this. What does that do inside of your body? Is there grief? Is there tightness? Is there anger? Is there relief? Is there fear? What's coming up in your body when you imagine something that you really, really, really, really, really, really want and you cannot have it? Impossible. Now the flip side of that you know what you want still. I leave my marriage so that I'm free to do this thing that I want. What happens in your body now? How does that feel to you? Same questions on the other stuff. Grief, tightness, anger, sadness, all of that stuff, right? Because I think when we recognize some of what's going on in our body, we we it helps us to recognize the importance of these things in our lives. Because I would say, as I walk through that, my feeling of I'm not going to have something that I really, really, really, really, really, really want is disappointing, frustrating, sad. But the other side of that is if I left my marriage so that I'm free to do this, that would be to me exponentially worse. That to me, again, just neo-speaking, lessens the other thing. It tells me, no, it's not really that as big of a desire, as big as a want, as big of a need as I thought it was, because if I looked at that possibility of leaving Trinity to do all of the things, Trinity is what fulfills me in life. So I think that's a good way to look through some of this and help shape how important it is for you in your life. And I'm not saying you're me and you're gonna think about it the same way I am. Maybe you have the flip side, flip reaction of that. And nobody's gonna tell you that's good, bad. Like somebody's gonna have their opinions, great, but you know you and the importance of things in your life, and your body kind of helps tell you that too. What do you think about that, Tratey?
Speaker 3I think that was excellent. Yeah, and um sometimes the way we think we're going to feel about something is not oh my gosh, how it really goes down.
Speaker 1Man, you could I could write a book on that, I feel like, right? Like when you think about lifestyle, when I thought about lifestyle, when I thought about ooh, sex parties and orgies and all this stuff, like it's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be amazing. I'm gonna be so turned on.
Speaker 3It's more complicated than that.
Speaker 1It's definitely more complicated than that. It's more like holy shit, what the fuck is going on? Like, is that okay? Am I okay? Are we okay? Like, that was it's it's been a lot of opposite reactions. I've really enjoyed it.
Speaker 3It has been a lot of opposite reactions. I think this is going to freak me out. Nope. No, I think this is gonna be fine. Actually, I never think that. No, well, I do now because I've had more practices exposure doing things, but things that have not been well have come out of just left nowhere, right?
Speaker 1But I think for you, it's interesting because you again were the were a lot of the no at the beginning, right? Like, what is this? Yep, and it's interesting watching you, like I've loved it, been like, uh, like it's fun, not a big deal, like awesome. And for me, it's like this is gonna be awesome. And I'm like, holy shit, like, yeah, I would not change any of this for the world, but at the same time, my somatic experience with all of this hasn't been what I imagined it would be. So that's an interesting thing. And I think just closing that piece out
Reality Check On Lifestyle Sex
Speaker 1is the body doesn't magically make the decisions for us, but it does help reveal what's underneath all of that thinking. So that's something I think we listen to our bodies, doesn't mean it makes a decision for us. Like, hey, I feel really fearful right now, but I also know I got to push through this. Like, that's okay. But knowing that you're fearful about it helps you figure out how you're gonna move forward.
Speaker 3And I think we can create this suffering within ourselves when we're constantly going, looking at all the options back and forth. Oh man, forth, back and forth.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3When we think a thing, we will conjure up that feeling.
Speaker 1Oh man, yeah.
Speaker 3And then we think the other thing, we conjure up that feeling. That's right. And are we just on this emotional roller coaster?
Speaker 2Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3Yep. Take care of yourself. When if you're in this s situation or something similar, like some compassion, this is this is hard to navigate this stuff.
Speaker 1Absolutely. And then kind of closing thoughts, at least for me, a couple of things. Sometimes the work isn't figuring out how to get everything that we want. It's figuring out what we're willing to choose and whether we can make that choice without resentment. So, meaning, you know, can I choose not to be in the lifestyle and not be resentful of that? Can I choose not to play with other people with my spouse and not be resentful of that because she doesn't want to do that? That's that's a that's that's part of the work of this. Um and what figuring out what we're willing to choose and what was left behind because of that. So I think that's that's a lot of the work to this. And then can I choose my partner as they actually are?
unknownYeah.
Speaker 1Rather than choosing them while hoping they'll eventually become someone who wants what I want. And I think that's for me, like we've talked about this a lot. Like, that's marriage, right? Biggest advice is like, don't go into marriage thinking you're gonna marry this person and then change them into who you want them to be. Like, that's not going to work. You want to choose and maintain your partner.
Speaker 3Spoiler alert in case anyone does done that.
Speaker 1Yeah, Trinity has really tried to I know. No, I know, she doesn't. But I think that's really big. Like choosing your partner for who they are. And as I hear again, this none of not all of this was about "J". It's just brought up a lot of the conversation. Yeah, it seems "J" has a really strong relationship with his wife, struggling with that balance of sexual desire, interest, and the lifestyle, all of that while wanting to participate in that with his partner. Yeah. And I would say that if you're in the same boat, it comes back to is this about what you want to do for yourself? Is this what you really want to do with your partner? Because that's exciting, and figuring out what is that balance of being able to communicate your desires with your partner and the timing of having those conversations versus giving them space and time to think about it. And in the end, you might hear a no. And being okay with that, that's what I would say for all of that, is also being okay with whatever decision that you make because that's it. Now, on the practical side, for me, Neo, um knowing what I know now, would I would I blow up my relationship for the lifestyle? We touched on it a little bit earlier, and the answer is hell no. Like, it hasn't been nearly I say this, you know, with a little bit of trepidation, like we're still fairly new to this, a year and a half or so. Would I blow up my life because the lifestyle is so amazing? The answer is no. We've had a lot of fun in this last year and a half.
SpeakerWe have.
Speaker 2We've had fun.
Speaker 1I'm looking forward to a lot more fun going forward, but my relationship is exponentially better than all of the experiences that I've had in the lifestyle, and I don't see that changing.
Speaker 3The quality of sex is better between us than that's some that's different. That kind of sex is novelty.
Speaker 1Absolutely. I think I would say still, like we mentioned them before, uh, Brad and Brittany bitch on the sexy swinging vampires. Like they talked a little bit about this. Like, what is the sex number? Like, what is good sex in the lifestyle? And like, I forget what it is, so forgive me, but you know, like expect to on a scale of zero to ten, expect to have like five-level sex. It's amazing if you have six, seven-level sex. Like your partner and you have ten level sex. You are so good.
Speaker 3You've been together forever, right?
Speaker 1You know what each other like, all of that stuff. And then you throw in the people you've never kind of never had sex with before, maybe had a conversation with them. You really have them played.
Speaker 3You realize you you can't get an erection, something not into you.
Speaker 1You don't know what your partner likes. You're in your head trying to figure out, you know, am I doing, am I doing good? Am I not going doing good? Thinking about, is my partner okay that I'm over here? Is my partner enjoying it?
Speaker 3And nobody fantasizes or thinks about that when they're entering.
Speaker 1Absolutely.
Speaker 3That's real life.
Speaker 1That's the real shit that goes into it. That's the real shit. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3No one talks like no one thinks about that.
SpeakerRight.
Speaker 3Because they're thinking about uh all this romanticized, oh, it's gonna be really hot. It's the porn stuff.
Speaker 1And there is some hot stuff.
Speaker 3Yeah, there's hot stuff, yeah.
Speaker 1It's just not amazing, the amazing sex you have with your partner already.
Speaker 3You don't want like stuff happening, you know, the camera crew, like no, it's not quite like that.
Speaker 1Right. So, no, I would never blow up this relationship for what I know about the lifestyle. It's not as, you know, the sex is just not as great as you think it's gonna be. It's good. I've had some great sex. Yeah. It's not the sex that I have with Trinity. So that's it.
Speaker 3It's a little different. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say, in in kind of wrapping this up, if you were if you were okay yesterday, you were very content with your relationship, how things were going yesterday. But today you learned about the lifestyle and you expanded your understanding of what's going on. And now you're not content. It's there's something else there.
Speaker 1We said it earlier, I think, just when we were talking about FOMO. Like we think we're missing out on something. You want to try this? The grass is greener, all of that stuff. And I think the grass is greener kind of thing is always a big thing, like, because we find out that in the end it's not. Think about all the things that you've wanted in your life.
Speaker 3Yeah, it's okay to want to try things and explore 100%. That is just very natural.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3You're human, so good for you.
Speaker 1Would I I don't know if I answered all of uh "J"'s questions. I'm just gonna take a quick look again. Um one person deeply desires to explore the lifestyle of the other has absolutely no desire to do it, possibly ever. How do you reconcile that conflict when the marriage itself is really good? Fantasies live in the head. Um, I think it's understanding again what I said about what do you think is more important? The lifestyle, the ability to experience the lifestyle or your marriage. For me, I think, especially given how long you've been married, how long we've been married, the marriage is more important. Like that's what it is. And it's not, this isn't a stay
Needs Responsibility And Final Takeaways
Speaker 1together for the kids conversation. This is a I love my marriage, I love my wife, I love my relationship. Nothing is worth breaking that to me.
Speaker 3I know we're trying to wrap it this up, but I don't want to say this. If this were us, and I knew this is something that was a hard no for me, and you I knew this was important for you, just our relationship and what it is, I would definitely start dabbling with the idea of opening the relationship on your end so we could still stay together. And if you wanted to like have other experiences, and that was really important for you to try that. Um there are different types of relationship designs. There are, they're not just closed and completely open, um consensual non-monogamy. It there's a lot in between it, it is consensual, but there's a lot of stuff in the gray.
Speaker 1Yep, there is, and we don't we we typically, for the vast majority of us, I think we're only taught that there's only one way. So there's not, it's opening up with a little bit of the mind, but doing that without pressure.
Speaker 3Because I love you, I want you to be happy.
Speaker 1I want your best life for you. Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, we've even talked about that. And I know that that's not something that we would do because we've talked about it many times, but it's like for Trinity. I'm like, hey, if you ever felt like you wanted to see somebody, you know, romantically, whatever, somebody fulfilled something that I couldn't, I would love to have the conversation around that. She's always like, hell no, I don't have time for that shit. But I'm like, I want her to live her best life. So I've I've I've thought about that. And I don't know what I would think in the moment, but I also want to make sure that we would have the conversation.
Speaker 3You know, and that's why I was like wondering about the monogamous versus non-people, some people just have are more poly, they have the potential for love because we do, we love our children, we don't love just the one child, second child comes on scene, third child comes on the scene, there's multiple, like your love isn't this like finite thing. Yeah, it's expansive, yeah. And if someone, if someone feels like they're more poly, like conversations, communication, keep those community, keep talking about it. You don't have to go direct, you can come like come at it sideways, come at it sideways, yeah. Like introduce it kind of lightly a lot of time.
Speaker 1The next question I want to make sure. I think I answered this, but I want to come back to just to make sure. No, 4J's specific. How do you determine whether desire is something you can genuinely let go of and make peace with peace with versus something that will continue to weigh on you for years? I think the somatic kind of thing that I did, the breathwork thing kind of helps with some of that. Determining how your body feels and thinking through again, what are you gonna blow up in order to get what you want over here? Think through that. That's how you determine it. You determine it based on your the value that you place on your relationship versus the value of the excitement of the thing you haven't tried yet. Only you can answer that. For me, it's more like my qualification in all of this is is this going to break my relationship with Trinity? If it is, then the answer is no, it's not worth it. Is a conversation worth it? Yes, a conversation's worth it. The last thing that I would say again, I want to say that something. Yeah, you go ahead.
Speaker 3Are you speaking to that?
Speaker 1I was. Oh. Now you go ahead.
Speaker 3Um need and like I think desire is um comes out of a need. Like I and I said this earlier, but we're we are responsible for getting our needs met. I desire I desire you to help me meet my need. If you say no, I'm still responsible for getting my need met. And maybe that's through fantasy, but I am responsible for getting my need met. You are not responsible for meeting my need.
Speaker 1Right. I like that. I like that. And you remind me of that a lot, I think. That's good.
Speaker 3That's different from sexual interest.
Speaker 1Absolutely. Yeah.
unknownSorry.
Speaker 1Um continue, please. No, I was gonna wrap. Oh, the the last thing that I was gonna say, "J", you're doing an awesome job. If there's anything that I would, and I've said it a couple times, I think, throughout this episode, if there's anything that I would recommend for this, if there was any possibility of it, and the same thing I would tell for everybody, uh, the vast majority of our listeners who are in the United States, we're not really brought up for the most part to talk about sexual things, desires, fantasies with our partners, sex coaching, relationship coaching, all that's really good stuff.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Provides a space to have those conversations. So if you had any opportunity to bring your wife with you to sex coaching, relationship coaching, just to have the conversations around what this is, what this looks like, desires, all of that stuff, I think that's a great place to open conversations around this up. Beyond that, I think, you know, "J", you got a great relationship. Hope that continues to go strong for you. Um hope you get all of what you want, but also, you know, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And then if you gotta live in some area of disappointment, man, I feel you. We all feel you because there's all things that we want and we don't get. But keep on keeping on, is what I would say. Thanks for writing into us. We appreciate it. Really appreciate that. Yeah, and have a good one. We'll come back in just a minute and wrap things up.
Speaker 3Well, that was a heavy episode.
Speaker 1That was a heavy episode. I hope we don't lose a bunch of listeners. I really enjoyed getting that question from "J".
Speaker 3I did too. Um I did too. It's just what a sweetheart.
Speaker 1That's right. So if anybody else out there, like, hey, write us in the show notes. There's send us fan mail. Please do that. They also have our email address, podcast at unpluggedandon.com. We would love to hear from you. As we said in previous episodes, coming up is our trip to Sin.
Speaker 3Oh my gosh, room 77 podcast.
Speaker 1I'm so excited for that.
Speaker 3That's I got my um bikini addiction bikinis.
Speaker 1Bikinis.
Speaker 3They're barely any fabric. I'm like they're amazing.
Speaker 1They're amazing.
Speaker 3They fit like they fit so good.
Speaker 1We are really looking forward to that. So I'm hoping that the next episode will be some highlights from that trip. I assume that it's probably gonna be a multi-part episode.
Speaker 3Who knows?
Speaker 1But who knows?
Speaker 3We don't like, I don't want to commit to anything. We do what we we do what we want.
Speaker 1Just commit to me, girl. Just commit to me.
Speaker 3I'll give it to you.
Speaker 1You're such a good girl.
Speaker 3You're supposed to give it to me.
Speaker 1All right, people. With that, we're gonna wrap up. I'm Neo.
Speaker 3And I'm Trinity.
Speaker 1Have a great day, people.
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