Unplugged Intro And 18 Plus Note

Speaker 0:07

This is unplugged and turned on, where we drop the masks, challenge the rules, and explore what connection, desire, and relationships really look like beneath the surface. This is an adult podcast and it's not intended for anyone under the age of 18. So if you're under 18, go find something else to listen to.

Speaker 2 0:31

I'm Neo. And I'm Trinity. And together we're getting into the real stuff: attraction, intimacy, communication, and the moments that actually create chemistry.

Speaker 0:43

No scripts, no pretending. Just honest conversations about what turns us on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. So go ahead. Unplug a little.

Speaker 2 0:57

And let's turn something on.

Why Everyone Waits To Say Hi

Speaker 1:02

Hi, welcome back. I'm Trinity.

Speaker 3 1:05

I'm Neo.

Speaker 1:06

We're so excited to have you here today.

Speaker 3 1:08

Absolutely. Back for another episode. What are we talking about today?

Speaker 1:12

Uh do you even know something about like who makes the first move?

Speaker 3 1:18

And I'm just, I don't know even what the episode title is going to be yet, but really it's just going to be like Who makes the first move? Just say hi. That's all, you know, maybe something like that. Why is everyone? I mean, that's the question of today's episode, and maybe that's it. Is why is everyone waiting on someone else? So in a community full of people supposedly looking to connect, why does it feel sometimes like nobody wants to actually make the first move?

Speaker 1:52

And why does it even have to be that right there? Why can't it just be like, hey, hi, you're right next to me. Hi, how you doing?

Speaker 3 2:01

In person.

Speaker 2:02

People are just so like, we're gonna fuck. It's like, no, it doesn't have to be that. Just say hi.

Speaker 3 2:07

Just say hi. So there's there's definitely gonna be two sides of this equation today. There's gonna be the online version versus the in-person event, but I will say we've seen the same shit at both. And being newbies and always being not newbies. I don't know. We've talked about that, that terminology, whatever.

Speaker 2:29

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what you're always a newbie. When do you not when are you not a newbie?

Speaker 3 2:34

Feeling like you're newbies. Why is it that you're always having to make the first move in this community?

Speaker 2:40

More often than not. It's nuts.

Speaker 3 2:43

Yeah. Okay.

Likes And Flirts Without Words

Speaker 3 2:44

So you get the friend request. This is the online stuff. It's probably gonna be more me, but we talk about it. So you get the friend request. They view your profile, then they view it again. They unlock their private pictures. Maybe they like a photo. Maybe they send a flirt. I still don't know what the fuck good that is.

Speaker 3:08

What the heck is that? It's like a thumbs up. But then what?

Speaker 3 3:13

They do nothing. I don't understand that at all. And especially like when somebody comes back multiple times, likes a photo, looks at you again, looks at you again, looks at you again, is like, are you?

Speaker 3:29

You've forgotten what I look like.

Speaker 3 3:31

Are you gonna say something?

Speaker 3:32

Keep looking, keep looking, keep looking, keep looking. I will say, like though, sometimes the profile shared by the couple, which a lot of times they are, it is.

Speaker 3 3:40

Yes.

Speaker 3:40

And you're showing me after you've looked, and then you're looking again, and then what do they look like again?

Speaker 3 3:49

There is some of that, right? But I don't know. There is some of that, especially when one partner like manages the profiles. We talked about that before.

Speaker 4:00

Like us.

Speaker 3 4:01

So you may look at them a couple times. I mean, I'll I'll give that.

Speaker 4:05

But the back and forth, the like, the flirt, the this, the that.

Speaker 3 4:08

Yeah, I I think you know we'll get ahead of ourselves, but I still don't get the whole flirt thing on Cassidy anyway. So we're on Cassidy, we're on SLS, we're on SDC. For all of that, talked a little bit about it for everyone on all the Pac Costs, tells you about it. It really depends on your area, what's what, but at least with SLS and SDC, they're lifetime memberships if you buy that. So once and done, Cassidy is a little different, but Cassidy you gotta pay for every year. But it's also one of the biggest ones in our area, so we use that one. Um, but all of them seem to be the same thing. Whatever the thing is, there's likes, there's flirts, there's all these things. I'm like, okay, but what?

Speaker 4:51

But what I honestly think that the like flirt is say it. Like the easy button of like, hey, I think I think you're attractive without doing any of the work, and it's so to me, and I don't do the online stuff, really. I I pop it in there. It means nothing. Like you like this, you you like our profile, you're flirting. Yeah, like give me a break. I'm sorry, that's just how I feel.

Speaker 2 5:24

I know. Like, it is odd.

Speaker 5:27

Like, have the balls to actually say, hey, I think we would be a good fit. I read your profile. And if you don't like typing that all the time, put it in a word doc and copy and paste it.

Speaker 3 5:42

Don't put it in a word doc.

Speaker 5:44

It doesn't take much to say, like, hey, like, I think the like and flirty. I'll disagree with that just a little bit on Facebook when you're like, I like it.

Speaker 3 5:53

Like, I agree.

Speaker 5:54

That's bullshit. It means nothing. I mean nothing.

Speaker 3 5:58

Somebody's fired up tonight.

Speaker 6:00

I hate that's what I don't do online stuff because that stuff means it's not even zero, it's less than zero. And I understand people think like, oh, they like I'm I really like like it's not the same to me.

Speaker 3 6:16

I get it, but I will I want to come back to the one thing that I do disagree with.

Speaker 6:19

And I'm not like upset, I'm just kind of like, dude. But I don't it does nothing.

Speaker 3 6:24

I'm still coming back. I'm not gonna let it go. Like, I'm gonna come back to the one thing you said because I am the one online.

How To Message With Intent

Speaker 3 6:30

Don't copy and fucking paste your same thing to everybody.

Speaker 6:33

Like, no, I still obviously not.

Speaker 3 6:35

I am the gatekeeper, I am the person online, so Trinity needs to hear this too. Like, if you're gonna write to me, at least give some indication that you read my profile, that you read our profile, that it's like, hey, I see that you like this, we like this too. I see that we would be a good fit, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 6:53

Like, give me something that yeah, because there's also the like it's also in your benefit to read another couple's profile. It's well, couple to a couple, it's in it's worthwhile to you to read it. Yep. Absolutely, even if it's like, wow, your pictures are smoking hot. Do you want to know some?

Speaker 3 7:10

But do you want to know like the people that you're reaching out to are at least based on their profile, compatible with you? You do, so which means you you should read something, anyways. We're getting way ahead. We jumped right in this. Trinity got fired up.

Speaker 7:26

I it doesn't take much.

Speaker 3 7:28

So here's the scenario. Okay. You opened your pictures first. I start that, but anyways.

Speaker 7:35

You're setting the scene for you.

Speaker 3 7:36

You opened your pictures. We looked. You looked at ours. We've both viewed each other's profiles six fucking times.

Speaker 7:46

This is like dance.

Speaker 3 7:47

At what point does someone actually say hello?

Speaker 7:51

Oh my god.

Speaker 3 7:52

So the question is why are so many of us waiting for the other person to make the first vote?

Speaker 7:59

I know. Hands up in the air.

Speaker 3 8:02

Okay, but you are you that student with the hand always up and the teacher's like, anybody else?

Speaker 8:07

No.

Speaker 3 8:08

Okay.

Speaker 8:09

Definitely not.

Speaker 3 8:10

All right.

Speaker 8:10

The one like giving the finger to that kid.

Speaker 3 8:13

So what do you think?

Speaker 8:16

People are anxious. They don't know they're they're overthinking it. They're overthinking it. Instead of it's like, hey, great picture. That's all it has to be.

Speaker 4 8:28

Okay.

Speaker 8:33

It's like, whoa, slow down, slow down, junior. Like, it doesn't have to be. You drop and you just tossing that.

Speaker 2 8:42

Yes. I want to step, I want to step into this a little bit different.

Speaker 3 8:47

Okay. I feel like it's over. I want to talk about like what it's been like for us between um please. Between the sites, between in-person. And I love to hear this. Neo will talk about the on-site stuff. And Trinity is definit or the the I will talk about the website stuff, Cassidy SLS, all that stuff, right? Trinity is more of the always the in-person kind of person. So in the app side of things, it's kind of like I said at the beginning, right? And that's, I think, I'm a year and a half plus in still trying to figure out why it's like that. I think when you what's interesting to me is when we first joined the sites, then oh, all these people are like reaching out. Yeah, when you first and then you're there for six months, and I think you drop off of new members, then all of a sudden you're just in the masses. And I don't know about everybody else, but I've got, you know, search parameters around things, and so I can look up who's in our area or whatever. But I just don't understand like the whole cycle of especially for those, and this isn't I I don't want this episode to come back to come out overly cynical or overly negative. I just trying to figure out, I think, well, I think I'm just trying to figure out the environment still, anyways, which is if it shows that you've been on Cassidy for five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten years, okay. Why do you keep looking and not reaching out? So it's some of that, right? So it's a little bit frustrating. It's like, what is the likes? What is the flirts? What is all that? Like, what is a person expected to do with that? If it's, hey, I really you guys sound fun. Why send a flirt and not just a message? Like a real quick message, like, hey, you guys do sound fun. I'm looking at your profile. If you guys are ever interested in a drink, you know, just something. What is that?

Speaker 10:48

Since you're you have way more experience with this.

Speaker 3 10:49

Yeah. Do you 100% you have 1% experience? I have 99%.

Speaker 10:54

I'm just the looker. Um, do you notice the ones that have been? You can see how long they've been a member or whatever. Yeah. Do you see a difference that they are less engaged?

Speaker 3 11:09

No.

Speaker 11:10

Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 11:11

Everybody's equally disengaged. I wasn't I wasn't sure if there was like no I'm like, what is sign of the times or something? It's kind of like, what is the what are these websites for if nobody's actually reaching out? Lurking. For us, I'll tell you, like, for us, it's like we're always I on the websites, I'm always the one reaching out. Like, I will see a couple seems interesting. It's like, whoa, okay, so maybe we can meet for a drink sometime. So I'll show Trinity pictures, profile, whatever. So, hey, do you mind? And most of the time, she's like, I don't care who you reach out to to get a drink. I just want to make sure I don't really know them outside of you know, in my in the vanilla world, but whatever.

Speaker 11:51

Cause yeah, I'm gonna believe meeting somebody, absolutely.

Speaker 3 11:54

Right, and I think like we made a lot of we've met a lot of great people in all of the lifestyle events and all that stuff. So it's a great community. So it's like, yeah, we'll go out and get a drink. Um, so I will send that. But I feel like for the vast like I I I love numbers. I've said this before. I like to make them up on the fly. For 95 times out of a hundred, like it's it's us reaching out. And I'm and I'm just curious if that's the norm for others.

Speaker 12:24

I I I have a theory.

Speaker 3 12:26

Of course you have a theory.

Speaker 12:27

I think the sexy girl to any online dating platform happens. I think what happens is people just get sucked into scrolling and going to the next person. It's a numbers game, and it's also like if you're playing an online game and you're just going to the next thing, or a little a little mini video, you're going to the next video. We have short attention spans and we get sucked into the game. We stop being really intentional, like, why am I here? What am I looking for? What's the next step? We get kind of in this automated brain sucker experience.

Speaker 3 13:12

Right.

Speaker 13:13

And then we get sucked in. People get sucked in.

Speaker 1 13:16

Okay.

Speaker 13:17

They just become warriors, they can be lookers, and they stop looking and do actually having action. They're just scrolling, looking, looking and looking.

Speaker 3 13:26

I don't know, because these sites are not the same, right? These this isn't like you're just looking at photos. No, it's not really. Like, I would say, because you know, I'm on these, they're ancient freaking platforms in the first place. So you're not getting to look at like a million pictures just by doom scrolling on your phone. Like you have to click five times to get to a place to see the first picture, and then what do you think is the I don't know. I'll just say that. Like, I really don't know. I think well, I'll talk about that.

Speaker 13:57

I think I had like all kinds of answers, and you're like, I do no no.

Speaker 3 14:02

No, I I just I want to make sure, at least from your perspective, like you know what the interface is because you're not on the site. That's what it looks like. Like field and all that stuff is a little bit different, Tinder, all those things, like doom scrolling, like TikTok version, like different generation of lights, lights. Yeah, yeah. So that's I can definitely see that in that, right? Because you're like scroll up, scroll left, scroll right, blah, blah, blah. Like, but Cassidy and SDC and SLS, there, they're not like that. They're so ancient. It's it takes you time to look at a profile and look at a picture.

Speaker 14:34

Uh I also wonder if there's some sort of um, and I I'm sure there is like unspoken etiquette. Like, if I liked you or flirted, I'm expected for you to hit me back.

Speaker 3 14:46

That would definitely be unspoken. I mean, that's back to like I still don't understand it. So let's that's what I see at least on the apps, right? Likes, flirts, whatever, nobody ever really reaching out.

In Person Events And Silent Rooms

Speaker 3 15:01

Um now let's talk, let's shift that then to the in-person thing, like where we've gone out to whether it's the house parties or hotel takeovers. What has that been? What have you what's your experience there?

Speaker 15:15

Oh my gosh. Okay, experiences lift your spirits a little bit. So it's so sad. If we talk to somebody, that's because we are approaching somebody, we are starting conversation. One time, maybe two times have we ever been approached by somebody else to have a conversation? Like, we are always the instigators and we are introverts.

Speaker 2 15:45

God damn it, goddammit, both of us.

Speaker 15:48

Like, um, we we have we brought this conversation to um one of the like single guys that we play with, and he was like, Well, maybe it's just like you're kind of closed off. I'm like, maybe it is, maybe it is, but I don't think so. I feel like I I'm trying to project this like open, smiley face, looking around, working really hard at the end.

Speaker 3 16:09

We are like, I feel like I'm this little butterfly and flitting around and talking to people and commenting and smiling and yeah, what what I think is interesting about that too is um a lot of events have things have like telegram chats beforehand, and you see a bunch of people and everyone's really chatty, or even like Cassidy, and they will have um event kind of chat things, yeah. And people will be really chatty, and then you and then you get there, and then everyone's in their corners again. It's very interesting. I'm still trying to figure out why. Why is it that for us I mean, what it what do you say?

Speaker 16:54

I think this has been our experience, maybe other people have had different things.

Speaker 3 16:57

Well, absolutely, absolutely, and I think you know, what is it for us that makes us finally make the first move? I I think what what what would you say to that? What when we're out in person, what do you think is like, hey, I'm gonna go talk to them?

Openness, Intentions, And Approach Cues

Speaker 17:13

I uh uh we always set an intention when we go to an event.

Speaker 1 17:18

Oh yeah, we talk, yeah.

Speaker 17:20

Like what what are we what are we doing here?

Speaker 1 17:22

Don't sit down, yeah, talk to three people.

Speaker 17:25

Yep. Um don't sit down and talk to Alice about the other.

Speaker 1 17:28

That's our motto right now.

Speaker 17:30

Um what we got from Ed and Phoebe, by the way. They were uh swinger universities. Amazing. Um I even before an event we talk about what we kind of want to do, how we want to show up. That's the intention I mean. Like, how do we want to how do how do we want how do we want this to go? So we can kind of start out that way. And I'm like, hey, what do we do? Like tell me tell me what we're doing, and I'm gonna make sure that happens.

Speaker 3 17:58

So, but is it outside of the intent? I mean, I get that. Like, we want to re meet three people, whatever that is. Like, talk to people for you. What do you think? Like, what is it that makes you choose a couple to talk to?

Speaker 18:09

Um, oh, I I guaranteed one million percent. If you need to know is are you closed off or are you open? Because you just showing up there does not mean that you are open.

Speaker 4 18:25

Yeah.

Speaker 18:25

If you're just kind of like this, oh, face, and you're just kind of like our arms around your chest, like obviously you are closed off. So being open helps me approach somebody.

Speaker 3 18:37

Okay, I like that. And then online, I would say, like, what makes me approach people? One, I would say, like, um, your prof you you put a little bit of thought into your profile, so it really talks about what you're what you like. You like hanging out, you like listening to music, whatever that is, and then your pictures make you look like our kind of compatible couple, what we're physically interested in. And you know, on the Trinity side, it's back to what I what I do hear a lot on podcasts, anyways, or and from women, which is I don't know if I like that person or not. Like just looking at their body, it's more about let's have a conversation. Yeah. So I think for us, it's looking at a couple to see if we may be um compatible with the things that we like, and then let's just go get a drink. Yep. So that's what I'll do. So that's what makes me reach out. Um and then moving on from that, like what what do you think? Why do you think making the first move is hard? Is it do you think there's an element of rejection? Like, I don't want to hear the thanks, but we're not interested.

Speaker 4 19:50

Yeah.

Speaker 3 19:50

Do you think it's some of the vulnerability of like saying right? Because I think in this in this lifestyle, like saying hi isn't necessarily just saying hi, it's like we're in this lifestyle, so we may be interested in having sex with you. So there's a little bit of vulnerability around that, right? So what do you talk a little about that?

Speaker 20:11

Both of those being vulnerable opens you up to being rejected.

Speaker 4 20:18

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 20:19

And it's like, okay, that, you know, like, hey, hi, how you doing? Whatever. And it doesn't go any further than like, yeah, hi, nice, whatever. You just kind of get handed off or it's like the soft landing, like, okay, dokie, no problem.

Speaker 3 20:35

Right.

Speaker 20:36

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 20:36

And I think, you know, one of the things in the lifestyle that and I even think outside of lifestyle, uh, you gotta be okay with is rejection. Like if you're gonna get what you want, you've gotta ask. You've gotta start the conversation. If you don't, then I said the answer is already no if you don't ask.

Speaker 20:55

I I also think like we are out of practice being social creatures.

Speaker 3 20:59

Oh, absolutely. Yes, we are.

Speaker 21:01

Like there's some women that will absolutely just come and chat and others that are real like because I will start with the woman usually.

Speaker 4 21:09

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 21:10

Oh yeah, it looks great or whatever. And I can tell if it's just land, just kind of flat flat. Yeah, it's like ugh. I feel like ugh. I'm like okadokie. Um wasn't there was no I'm not coming on to you, I'm just like having conversation. You do not want to have a conversation. That's fine. That's okay. We'll move on. That's still a rejection, but like moving on, let's not waste anyone's time.

Speaker 3 21:36

Right.

Speaker 21:36

I think that's usually like an event where there's the numbers game.

unknown 21:41

People.

Speaker 3 21:42

Yeah. And maybe you don't I I think on websites this could be it too, but it you don't want to come across as being overly thirsty, like, oh, I'm just you know creepy, creepy. Oh, good lord. Yes. Yes.

Speaker 21:58

That's hard to gauge online.

Speaker 3 22:00

It really is.

Speaker 22:01

Unless you're just getting dick pics and then that's pretty clear.

Speaker 3 22:04

I still think that that's just some of the fear around that. Like you don't want to do it. But I still say at least uh put yourself out there. What is it that you're interested in? Do you want to get a drink or not get a drink? Like if you say, let's if your profile says, you know, let's get a drink, let's see if there's any chemistry, let's see if there's a vibe there. Like ask people if they're willing to do that. Like reach out. Like you're never gonna get a drink and do a vibe chemistry, whatever you want to call it, check if you don't ask somebody.

Speaker 22:34

And I realize it's taking time out of your busy life to do a thing, but you have to have some sort of investment. Uh some something.

Speaker 3 22:45

I agree. I think it's also like you're you've already put yourself out there by signing up for the website, by building a profile, by putting pictures out there. You're interested in this. So it's like, what is it that's preventing you from taking that step of just saying hello?

Speaker 23:04

I and I can see too, people are busy. Oh, they're you know they can't reach out because they don't know how to they can't commit to anything right right away. Um, but you could still have like conversation while you figure that stuff out. You don't have to have everything figured out.

Speaker 3 23:19

I agree. And I think the flip side of that maybe is um, you know, the things that for us we never learned, right? None of uh our generation necessarily Gen Xers, like we didn't have online dating when we were growing up.

Speaker 23:36

School of Har Knox.

Speaker 3 23:37

That's right, baby. You put yourself out there, and we wouldn't be married if you hadn't put yourself out there for new. I went over you, Katie. That's right. Um so you know, we don't necessarily know what all of this means when it's like a profile view. What does that mean? Yeah, so we we kind of make some assumptions around that, but it's not necessarily valid. Okay, multiple profile views. What does that mean?

Speaker 24:00

Perspective, like I think there's perspective taking on here, like if, and it's a big, bold, highlighted, italicized if I was had more of an online present. Yeah, um, and someone kept checking on ours. I would I think it's safe to like think like they are obviously ins interested in something. Maybe I put myself out there. But there can be this like fatigue, I think, that we get of always being the one to make the first move.

Speaker 4 24:33

Yes.

Speaker 24:34

Why is it always me? Why do I always have to do this? Yeah, but setting that aside, like, yeah, but this is like our thing we're doing for us, right? And it can be easy to kind of slip into like, why is it always me? Like, then maybe take a break or kind of shore things up of like, what are we doing here? What's our goal? What do we what do we want? I'm like, oh yeah, okay, I'm interested in this again.

Speaker 1 24:58

Okay.

Speaker 24:58

Like, you can't get the thing you want unless you go for it.

Speaker 3 25:02

Yeah, I've heard, you know, some of that, absolutely. Between couples, like who's out there all the time getting fatigue and all of that stuff.

Speaker 25:08

But I still think it's back to I get that.

Speaker 3 25:11

It's back to no matter what. Like, there's I don't think there's no for for me, anyways, it's not fatigue in managing the profiles and doing all that. It's more of like, why is it that I'm your side? Yeah, it's like I get it, right? Somebody opens pictures, sends a flirt. Like, what does that mean to me? It means it means they're interested, I think.

Speaker 25:31

So are you so I'll reach out.

Speaker 3 25:33

Open to oh, you are you do I'll reach out because I get tired of that. I'm like, okay, so why I assume you want to meet up for a drink sometime or whatever. And most of the time, you know, people have the conversation, but I'm still just trying to be like, what does that mean? Because when you look at like somebody liking your your profile and adding you as a friend, like what does that really mean? Liking your photos, because we also live in this fake Facebook world where hey, I have a thousand friends. No, okay, you have a thousand friends on Facebook. Do you really have a thousand friends? No, you don't.

Speaker 26:07

No, you don't.

Speaker 3 26:08

Like, so what does that really mean? Are you collecting friends? Are you liking pictures just to be supportive? Like, hey, I'm very glad. Like that those are sexy, great, right? Or that's awesome that you put yourself out there. Or are you liking a photo because you're like, I'm interested in you as a couple or that person and that couple, right? So I think some of the interpretation there is up to who's ever looking at that, right? For me, when I look at, or what if I like a photo, if I look at somebody that or if I see somebody liked our photo, my thought is they're interested in you. That's a really sexy photo, whatever. Okay, but it might not necessarily mean that. So that's also how we interpret what's going on.

Speaker 26:50

Like, good for you, thumbs up. Right.

Speaker 3 26:52

There's a difference between like encouraging people to be more sex positive, to be more body confident versus hey, let's meet up and let's see if there's anything there.

Speaker 27:02

So I'm curious, do you do you reach out when someone just like likes a picture?

Speaker 3 27:09

Not just liking a picture for me.

Speaker 27:11

Not enough.

Speaker 3 27:12

No, because anybody around anybody on the site anywhere can like a picture. I'm more about like if you're in our area, you've looked at a profile a few times, you've liked some photos.

Speaker 27:22

Because that really is a lot of work. If someone likes your pictures, and then you look at their pro you have to look at their profile and like them too to a certain extent.

Speaker 1 27:32

Hopefully.

Speaker 27:32

See what you're it's just like this oh series of series of I don't know, stop like stop guards work. That's a lot of work.

Speaker 3 27:43

Yeah, it is, and then you know, we you talked a little bit, we've already talked a little bit about like actual in-person events, but what I've what I've found is like online courage, whatever you want to call it, versus real life courage in the lifestyle. I really haven't seen a big difference. Like a lot of times when you look at Facebook and Reddit and all of these places where people just open their mouths like crazy and say whatever they want and do whatever, like you kind of expect a little bit more of that, I think, in the online platforms, but it's not. I think people are just as hesitant to have conversations in the online platforms as they are in real life.

Speaker 28:21

Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 3 28:22

Like I I think like for some of the telegram events that have opened up, there have been women that have posted a lot of like a lot of provocative pictures, just for them, but like even having a conversation with them, like well, I I think when I'm when I mean when I'm talking about the real life versus I agree with you, absolutely. I think when I'm thinking about online versus real life courage is more like that reaching out and that initiation. Okay, but I agree with you, like absolutely online because we we said that just a little bit earlier on like you'll go to an event and everybody will be chatty as hell in a telegram group, and then you get in person and it's quiet. So absolutely, and I feel like like it's more of the one-on-one.

Speaker 29:09

You have to like wrap and be like, Okay, we're gonna get in, we're gonna do this. It's like we have to be our own coach, cheerleader section. Like, we're gonna get in and we're gonna talk to everybody.

Speaker 3 29:21

Think about this. Think about this. I would just I just this popped into my head. You have a sexy photo of you, like whatever, totally naked, whatever that looks like, spread eagle, whatever. Is it easier to throw that out into a large group chat of anonymous kind of people, or like walking up to somebody at the pool and saying, Hey, here's this photo, do you like it? Like, so there's something there too, I think, right? Like and a little bit of anonymity, a little bit of safety and anonymity.

Speaker 29:50

Yeah, I was thinking of an event we went to this summer, and then trying to connect with a couple of the people in real life was like really I don't want to say bizarre, but like not what I anticipated. Like okay. They're portraying an image that that maybe they are hoping to really embody in real life, but they do not. And it was like uh okay, I don't know what that is.

Speaker 3 30:22

Okay, will we do that?

Speaker 30:25

I don't think so. You know, I what you see is what you get. With me. Let you with me. I think I can, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure.

Speaker 3 30:35

So in person, let's bring it back to that. In person, you're at a hotel takeover, you see a couple that's like, I don't know, 10 feet away, and you're thinking, they're really attractive. Yeah. And they may be thinking the same thing.

Speaker 30:54

Yet and you're making eye contact, you know, you're I am absolutely gonna find a way to talk to them.

Speaker 3 31:02

Okay.

Speaker 31:02

And it's usually like you do that. I look at their hit hair, hat, or like what they're wearing, like whatever, or I will come in and say, like, check with you, like, we good, we good?

Speaker 1 31:14

Yeah.

Speaker 31:15

Thumbs up again. Um, and I tell you, like, okay, I'm gonna go over and talk to them. Like, give me a heads up. I'm going to keep line and we're gonna go talk to them. But the two and I will say something with a lot of energy, like, hey, you will.

Speaker 3 31:28

Yeah, you're gonna be here before. You're good at that. And I think we've kind of talked about that. I'm still trying to figure out in that same scenario, you're making eye contact, you think they're attractive, you're kind of getting some signals, like they're interested in talking to you. Like, and then if you don't if I don't do it, it's not gonna fucking happen. And what and what is that, right? Like, why and I get that there's a lot of fear and nervousness and all of that kind of stuff, but I still come back to why is it that two newish introverts are the ones initiating something?

Speaker 32:04

Well, I go back to the single guy we talked to, and he was like, hmm, maybe it's maybe it's trying to be nice, maybe it's your RBF. I don't know. But I'm like, I'm really purposeful of trying to be open and smiley.

Speaker 3 32:19

Yeah.

Speaker 32:20

I think people are really scared. And I, you know, I don't mind, I don't mind being the one could be in person.

Speaker 3 32:26

In person. All right.

Speaker 32:27

Well, how do you feel about being online? Do you get stuck?

Speaker 3 32:30

I'm gonna answer that in just a second when we come back from our break.

Speaker 32:33

Oh, okay, bye.

Post Break Frustration And Feedback

Speaker 3 32:38

Okay, first of all, I will just say never drink a liter of water and then try to do a podcast episode because you're gonna get up because you need a lot of breaks. So coming back from that, answering Trinity's question on how I feel online. Um I probably get a little bit frustrated, just the um how often I have to reach out. So that's okay. I like we talked a little bit about that, but I want to come back to that for you because you talked about you're the initiator in on per in-person, all these events, right? You'll flutter around like a butterfly, you'll say hello. How do you feel about that? Like, how do you feel being the one that goes out and initiates these events?

Speaker 33:18

Actually, I don't mind that because I feel like I have control over that. I'm the one saying, Okay, I'm going in, instead of someone approaching me and I'm like, oh yeah, which I wouldn't be like that, but yeah, um I wish we were approached period. Right. Yeah. But I can see like for me, like when we go to events, it's this event thing, it's like happening in these, it's different like interval. It's just like this all at one thing, and I'm I'm bopping round. For you online, that's like consistently over time chipping away like daily, daily or whatever how often you go in there. Yeah, like that's a different type of energy.

Speaker 3 34:02

It definitely is, but you know, that's probably more what I'm geared for, anyways. But still, it's like it it definitely gets a little bit exhausting.

Speaker 34:12

But actually reaching out, like really what's that? Because you talk about the people who just kind of like and flirt. Do you not have people actually reach out with full interest, like a normal person?

Speaker 3 34:26

I think it's pretty rare. Like I would say, like I know I said something earlier, but probably one time out of ten, two times out of ten, somebody else will reach out. But a lot of times there'll be a lot of profile looks and a lot of likes and all of that stuff, like the other stuff, which was like the not putting yourself out there or not being clear about what it is you want. So, you know, there is that. That does get a little old.

Speaker 34:51

So, do we need to like up our game?

Speaker 3 34:53

I don't know. I have thought about like a profile. I don't know if it's the I I don't know. That's what I'm still trying to figure out. So I'm hoping you know, as we talk human behavior through this, hoping to get some listener feedback too. Like, hey, how do you feel about this? When do you reach out? Yeah, what is it? What does it take for you to reach out to somebody versus in how often do you reach out to people versus having people reach out to you? I would love to hear that. You just wait. Yeah, so hit us up in the fan mail in the show description or the email address we have listed there. I would love to know this. Right. Okay, and then I but I also think like the lifestyle as you get into this, at least for me online, like I have gotten a lot more comfortable reaching out, like and saying the things and responding to people that I may not want to necessarily meet up with. Well, for whatever reason that is, right?

Speaker 35:52

Um just saying, hey, no thanks. Right. That kind of thing. Okay.

Speaker 3 35:56

Yeah, like no, like, hey, thank you for reaching out. I feel really honored. Um, you know, I think we're I don't think we're probably a good match right now, but good luck in, you know, oh yeah, in the lifestyle and having some fun, right? I don't I don't mind like I I do like to say that. Now, if somebody reaches out and says, Hey, yo, you will see that and that's it, then I'm I'm not gonna respond to that. I'm sorry. But I, you know, I am very, I think like I'm very comfortable, even after meeting people, whatever, just being like, hey, you know, we really enjoyed talking with you guys. Uh felt some chemistry there between us. Like that's really good. Like, we'd love to hang out again, stuff like that. Afterwards, just kind of like, hey, right, and like no expectations, no pressure, none of that. But we had a good time, would love to get together again, close on, close off. Like, none of that really matters. Like, hey, let's let's hang out and see us.

Speaker 36:49

Thanks for meeting up with us.

Speaker 3 36:50

Um, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 36:52

Period.

Speaker 3 36:53

Thanks for we had, yeah. Thanks for meeting up with us. Hope you guys have a good night.

Speaker 36:58

Great weekend, yeah.

Speaker 3 36:59

Um, because ultimately, I think for uh for me, and I think for us, like the goal isn't necessarily to get to let's all have clothes off. Like, that's not a thing.

Rejection, Boundaries, And Community

Speaker 3 37:10

For for us, it's about trying to build a community of sex positive people that I may throw a house party for, you know, and I may not play with everybody there. Like, I may not want to play with everybody there. No, but we have a good time together.

Speaker 37:23

We feel comfortable with each other, we're familiar with each other.

Speaker 3 37:26

Yeah, yeah. Um, and I think the other piece of this is the idea of rejection, right? We talked a little bit about that earlier, but rejection isn't necessarily failure, like we're all in lifestyle because we're interested in things, all things sex, right?

Speaker 37:43

Yeah, but you also have to like the same thing, like kind of get used to getting hearing it, hearing no.

Speaker 3 37:49

And saying it, right? Because you are this isn't maybe there are people out there, uh, but this isn't about like you're in the lifestyle, I'm on the lifestyle, let's have sex. Like, you're a swinger, I'm a swinger, let's have sex. Like, no, that's not what this is about for us. So at the same time, like, if you're not interested, you're not interested. And that should be a good thing.

Speaker 38:13

We're part of this community, you're a part of this community. What do you do? What do we do? Like, okay, right. It's like you're on a playground. What's your favorite part of the playground? My favorite part is the merry-go-round. What's your favorite part? The swings.

Speaker 3 38:28

Right, absolutely. The swing set life on a swing set.

Speaker 38:30

Where you don't line up, but like we really enjoy us hanging out, hanging out with each other.

Speaker 3 38:35

Right, because I don't think like a rejection of the lifestyle doesn't mean hey, you're not attractive, you're not good looking. Like, and and I don't think you should be taking it that way. It's more like this particular match, this four-way thing, like I think our what we're looking for in the lifestyle, our chemistry is different, and that's okay.

Speaker 38:56

And even like dynamics, and I like we had we met with a couple and the dynamic wasn't totally aligned, which I felt like like sad about because I would still have liked to have been their friend, but for them it was like an all or nothing thing, and it was like uh why why does it only have to be about sex? It shouldn't be. I think we all decided it wasn't, but somehow it was. So okay.

Speaker 3 39:22

I think I think for that particular couple it was, though. I think some of the couples that we've met that have young children and limited time, they're like, I don't have time to I don't have time to fuck around. Like, let's get down to I'm not looking to make more friends. I have enough friends, we're just here to fuck. And that's that is that's fine.

Speaker 39:40

Okay, that's fine. Yeah, that is absolutely a little different. Like, oh if you're saying if I it's okay to have a community of friends ever in the lifestyle that you can meet up with and still talk about your experiences.

Speaker 3 39:52

Yeah, it it is, and uh you know, I will say from that aspect, like I make things very clear when I'm communicating with people, like, hey, we're not um DTF kind of people, we're slow burners, we like to meet up for drinks, we don't play on the first date. It may take us a few times of meeting before we realize if we want to play with you guys. So, you know, I make that very clear. And then there's been one or two times where it's been like, hey, do you want to go play? It's like, nothing's changed. Like, that's our dynamic is still what it is.

Speaker 40:24

Because maybe, and it's fine to ask that question. It absolutely is fine to ask a question. You never know.

Speaker 3 40:29

It's for me, it's like not fine to be surprised when the answer is no, because I'm I make that clear up front in a in a nice way, but I make it clear up front, like this is our dynamic. And I feel like some people are a little bit disingenuous around that kind of stuff because they're looking to get laid. They have a goal, and they're like, Well, there's a possibility.

Speaker 40:48

Okay, well, you're gonna be disappointed if you come in with that.

Speaker 3 40:51

Don't let me be your disappointment because you set yourself up by having ideas that you know it could be something that I already said it wouldn't be. Yeah, there is that off the table, probably a little off the topic on this one, but you know, that's that's that is what it is. Absolutely. Um, and then you hinted on this earlier. So I do want to talk about this a little bit. Tell me more. Are we making people guess?

Speaker 41:20

Guess?

Speaker 3 41:21

Are we guilty to like when we well?

Speaker 41:25

I don't know. I want to say no, but uh like I don't want I want to be real.

Speaker 3 41:29

I would say the biggest question I would ask, like, have I looked at a bunch of profiles multiple times without reaching out?

Speaker 41:38

I bet. I bet because it's so easy to forget who these people are if their like name is um AL2546. Like, have I looked at that profile before?

Speaker 3 41:50

I don't know. I don't know. Like, I have looked at profiles a few times, but typically, like, I kind of I still think there's limited results in the parameters that I put out there for my searches that I kind of know. Um maybe I have, but I don't think it's much. I think for the most part, if I've looked at you a couple times, then I'm showing and and I'm still like, yeah, I think so. Then I would show you, and then I'm gonna reach out.

Speaker 42:19

Yeah, you've yeah, if you showed me, then there's some there's some looking going back and forth.

Speaker 4 42:24

Yeah.

Speaker 42:24

And then honestly, I'm gonna for I am going to afford it. And then I'll say, like, what are these people? Who are these people again? No. And then I'm like, oh yeah, I remember we met them.

Speaker 3 42:35

Right, because you're always, uh frankly, like you're always like, We're on a way to meet up. You're like, who are these people again? What do they look like? Who are they?

Speaker 42:42

What's what's gaming scoop?

Speaker 3 42:44

But you've already said we're gonna meet. So that's so that's yeah, so that's not a thing I'm worried about.

Speaker 42:48

But the other piece of that is I can see that the how that shows up on the other side.

Speaker 3 42:54

And then the other piece of that you mentioned earlier, like when we go out to events and all that stuff. Do we have RBF, BRF? I never get this right. RBF. Resting bitch face, we have resting asshole face. Like, do you think that's a thing? I here's what I I I joked about Trinity. I joked with Trinity about before. Like, part of me wants to be like, hey, can I pay somebody like a hundred bucks to go to an event with me and just watch us from the periphery and be like, so how did we show up? What did we look like to you?

Speaker 43:27

That's not bad. I if we went with our friends, I would be like, okay, give us some feedback.

Speaker 3 43:34

Okay, and they would we could do and our friends would be like, I couldn't because we're busy talking to these other people. I'm staring at boobs, I'm not watching you.

Speaker 2 43:45

No kidding.

Speaker 3 43:46

But yeah, I'm like, what do you think that's because I think you said it earlier, right? You try to keep a big smile on your face, um, flitter around. But in the end, like, what do we look like to others? And I don't

Speaker 44:00

Know that cross like two stairs, but I feel like a lot of people kind of are kind of doing the same thing, they're kind of like this little cuddle, cuddle, couple huddle, couple huddle, not cuddle puddle, huddle very similar to cuddle puddle, but couple huddle. What's happening, what's happening, what's happening, and yeah, okay.

Speaker 3 44:20

I'll be real. Like, some of that is just pops into my head. Like, even like being newer is for me in reality. I'm like, there's some hot couples over there. Is this okay? Is true. What would Trinity think? Am I okay to be looking over there? Would it be okay for me to go over there?

Speaker 44:36

Way too much stuff going on in your head. I am like I'm like, what are we doing here?

Speaker 3 44:41

You know that, right? You are. You're like, oh, this guy pretty.

Speaker 44:44

I'm like, hmm, it's nice. Where's the music?

Speaker 3 44:48

I know. There's I do have way too much going on in my head. So I know I know for me that's what keeps me from going up to others, which is why I hate to say it. I do rely on you. I like that you go out and do a thing.

Speaker 44:59

I am the robot, not really, but I am the machine. Like, you I need to know what the operating system is.

Speaker 3 45:05

Give me the give me the you always say, like, point me in the direction and I'll go.

Speaker 45:09

What are we doing today?

Speaker 3 45:10

Yeah, what are we doing today? Yeah.

Speaker 45:12

I'm showing up. What's the mission?

Speaker 3 45:13

Yeah, but I do wonder about what do our faces look like to others, but uh, you know, you don't know. Nobody knows. So that could be it, and I do give that, at least for the in-person things. The online things, I have no idea. I have thought many times about rewriting my profile, but how many people read the profile? I don't know. How much time do I put into that? I

Simple Scripts To Start Talking

Speaker 3 45:34

don't know. We do have good pictures on there. They do get a lot of likes. I just don't get a lot of like this is gonna be a challenge, whether it's us, whether it's listeners, like, hey, the next time there's someone you're generally interested in, online or in person, don't play the signaling game indefinitely. Like, say hello. Say hello.

Speaker 46:02

Do the thing, it's okay to get rejected here or no, or get some some other possible response. Right. Doesn't mean you have to have sex with them.

Speaker 3 46:13

That's right. And and part of that, like, be respectful. Like, don't lead with sex, don't assume interest.

Speaker 46:21

No, and a lot of times people are like, I don't know even how to do this. Just saying, like, hey, is this your first time here?

Speaker 3 46:27

Yes.

Speaker 46:29

Or I really like fill in the blank.

Speaker 3 46:31

Right, your wearing your bikini or lack of bikini looks amazing.

Speaker 46:35

What do you hey? What do you think about fill in the blank?

Speaker 3 46:38

That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 46:39

It's this like small talk stuff that I think we start off we don't do a great job with because we're all like practice. So the more you do it, the better you get and the more confidence you have.

Speaker 3 46:50

And then the online part of that, I would challenge you, because I never do this. I will say that. No, challenge our listeners. Don't make your opening hello your unlocked album.

Speaker 47:02

Oh. Like, hey, that means nothing.

Speaker 3 47:05

You've said you've said nothing, but here's all my pictures. I don't like say something. I think that is way more important than showing me your pictures. Because if you open up, we have a good conversation, then sure, I want to see your pictures because that's probably where you're hiding your faces.

Speaker 47:22

Yeah, something like, hey sexies, like saw your profile and the your pictures and wanted to show you ours.

Speaker 3 47:30

That's right. Like, hey, read your profile. We're in your area, would love to meet up, get a drink. Like, how hard is that to say to somebody? Just do that.

Speaker 47:40

Yeah, seems like a good fit.

Speaker 3 47:42

Yeah. Kind of like and if they're not your people and they and they ignore you, they're not your people. Like, that's okay. Yeah. Um, you know, just say something. It's back to like, hey, we noticed you guys, noticed your profile. Uh, you guys sound like a great couple. We like fill in the blank, we like speakeasies too. We like to grab a drink and check uh just chemistry out too. Low profile, none of that, like no pressure.

Speaker 48:08

I think it's a good uh there.

Speaker 3 48:09

I want to get to know you.

Speaker 48:10

It's reflective of can you hold a conversation in person?

Speaker 3 48:14

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 48:15

Can't do you know how to communicate because if you don't know how to communicate, oh it's not a good sign.

Speaker 3 48:22

Yeah, it's not communication, yeah, effective, not this. And you can hear that a lot, like you know, and there is a balance of you in this, you have to you have to be somewhat good at communicating both online and in person. Like if you're a great communicator online, you you need to be able to carry that same conversation into the real world. And like Trinity was just saying, practice. We you may not be used to that. That's okay, but the only way you're gonna get better at that is to do it. And we're glad to meet you and stretch your boundaries, like whatever that is. Like, help you help you do that because we're working at it too.

Speaker 49:01

Yeah, yeah, we're all kind of feeling awkward and uncomfortable and what I try to find footing and then we find it.

Speaker 3 49:08

You said it though, like earlier today, we're having a conversation. Like, you show up as you. That's what I want from people. Show up as yourself because in reality, like if we're gonna hang out and have a good time, like I want to know who you really are. I don't want the a fake person, a reserved person, a holding back person.

Speaker 49:25

Like, I'm gonna feel it and this is gonna happen. Yeah, just be you, just be you. We invite that, we want that, we want the weird awkwardness, we want that.

Speaker 3 49:34

We do want that you, please. And if you, you know, and and if you're not getting something in return or you're not feeling it, like that's okay. Because if you guys, as two partner two two couples getting together, can't carry a conversation, you're probably not gonna have any fun in the bedroom anyway. So that's that's no harm, no foul. I look at it like I look at it like I like to have a drink, I like to get cocktails, beers, whatever. And if I had one with Trinity, that's gonna be awesome. And if the other couple like is great too, then we had a great time. If not, I had a great drink with Trinity and we're gonna go home and we're gonna have some great. That's right. Yeah, so put yourself out there, is all I'm saying. Right?

Speaker 50:19

Yeah.

Speaker 3 50:20

Any closing thoughts from you?

Speaker 50:21

No, I don't I don't think so. I think it's been said.

Speaker 3 50:24

Yeah, I think we all want to be feel chosen, though. We all nobody wants to be rejected. There is this level of we talked about that rejection, vulnerability, all of that stuff. But I think like if you're out there, you're on these sites, you're at these events, you're interested in something. Not necessarily having sex with everybody there. You're interested in the environment, make those connections. Like this community is a fun community, a bunch of great people, and then there's gonna be people that you don't match with. That's okay, but there's only one way to find out.

Speaker 50:55

You have to put yourself out there.

Speaker 3 50:57

You have to put yourself out there, and you have to be willing to do that and stretch yourself a little bit. Yeah, have fun.

Speaker 51:04

Yeah, have fun.

Speaker 3 51:06

That's right.

Speaker 51:06

We're all here to have you can turn around and like giggle with your partner later of how crazy that was or whatever. Like, yeah, do the thing.

Speaker 3 51:15

Yeah, absolutely.

Courage Over Fear Closing

Speaker 3 51:19

So I would leave this with one note, which is maybe making the first move isn't about being fearless. You're never going to be fearless. No, it's about courage, it's about being willing to be a little vulnerable so connection actually has a chance to happen.

Speaker 51:38

There's no such thing as fearless.

Speaker 3 51:40

That's right. Uh uh. Nope. So feel scared.

Speaker 51:43

Feel scared.

Speaker 3 51:44

If that resonates with you, make the move online, in person, whatever that looks like, just make the move. What is the worst that can happen? Somebody can say no, thank you, and then you move on. And then you grow to learn that you know that's gonna happen. It's okay. It's not a sign that you are not a beautiful person. No, because I guarantee you are. With that, we'll close this episode out. I'm Neo.

Speaker 52:11

And I'm Trinity.

Speaker 3 52:12

I hope you loved today's episode and have a great time. People reach out to us, say hello, would love to hear from you.

Speaker 4 52:19

Yeah, hit us up.

Speaker 3 52:20

Have a great time. Goodbye.